Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard
by tigerofthewind
Summary: In a desperate attempt to one-up Colonel Mustang, Ed takes it upon himself to sabotage Christmas. But as we all know, things concerning the Fullmetal Alchemist never seem to go as planned...eventually shounen-ai -COMPLETE OMFG FINALLY-
1. An Assault on Unfinished Business

Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard - Proof That Revenge Is A Kind Of Wild Justice

Prologue - An Assault on Unfinished Business

AN-Well. ::pauses:: I really don't know what to say about this. Created while listening to an adorable Christmas song from the Digimon drama CD.>.>;; This is a TWT fic(Timeline, what timeline? fic), so who the hell even knows what I'm doing here? Not me. Oh, I'll be taking this story down around New Years. You have no idea how irksome it is to see a Christmas story floating around in the middle of August. o Also, I'm afraid as hell of it being reported(not a G title, gasp!), so down it goes, shortly. I might put it on my LiveJournal or something, if everyone really wants it to stick around. ::shrug::  
::tiger

It was always somewhat of an ominous event when Edward Elric was summoned to the Colonel's office. Not just for Edward himself, but for the general staff, as well - the short and short-tempered Fullmetal Alchemist would stomp fuming into the taisa's office, there would be a few moments of scattered shuffling, conversation just a tad too low to hear(no matter how hard Havoc jammed his ear up against the keyhole, he could hardly ever make out anything but a few 'yes sirs' and a grumble), and then Edward would stomp back out, still fuming from where he considered a 'safe distance away'(which was within hearing of nearly everyone in the East Branch, though no one pointed this out). And after his raving had subsided down the hall, Colonel Mustang himself would step out, trying to hide what was clearly an 'oh-this-is-so-rich' smirk behind a barrage of orders and observations("since you all seem to find confrontation so FASCINATING, why don't you just go supress those riots in Lior?" while everyone would hastily make up an excuse to leave).

The local rumor mill had formulated a number of reasons behind Edward's quite predictable reactions to Mustang's sometimes unfathomable actions, but were yet to come up with a successful match between fact and fantasy. There was nothing to it, Hawkeye would point out in exasperation from time to time, simply the fact that someone like Edward-kun was unsuited to take orders from others, and that the taisa was just being himself - so why don't you all shut up and work, before I give you a REAL reason to flap your gums?

Which started the rumor that Hawkeye herself was somehow in on the whole thing - perhaps she kept unscrupulous visitors from interrupting the two of them when... And so on. For being battle-hardened soldiers and and frequently proclaimed 'real men', the soldiers at the East Branch sure spent a lot of time...gossiping like housewives.

And you didn't dare bring this up with Edward, for fear of incurring one of his notoriously violent fits, which consisted of throwing in exaggerations about his height even though nothing of the sort had been mentioned in the conservation. It was also quite troubling for Alphonse, who was of course forced to interject with his trademark "Nii-san!" and grab his brother's arms, preventing any chance of bodily harm to come to whomever had been foolish enough to bring up that topic in the first place.

In short, Edward Elric HATED it when he was summoned by Roy Mustang.

Today, however, was an entirely different thing, for Maes Hughes had just come home after celebrating his daughter's birthday, and with a veritable boxload of photographs to force upon hapless victims.

"See how big Alicia's gotten?"

"Look at her pigtails? Aren't they ADORABLE?"

"She drew that herself! Isn't she SO talented?"

Ed was trying to enjoy a peaceful lunch by himself, but was constantly interrupted by Hughes, who seemed to materialize wherever he went - the library, into town for a walk, even to the BATHROOM - so as he sat down for lunch, he battened down the hatches and decided to bear it. As long as he stared down at his lunch tray and grunted something every once in a while("un...uh...mmhmm..."), it seemed to pass as agreement to Hughes, whom everyone knows is the world's biggest doting daddy.

When the pictures started to evolve(or was it DEvolve?) into the ones Hughes had taken during Alicia's latest birthday - didn't Ed KNOW, wasn't it HIS birthday too, and wasn't he THERE? - he was almost grateful for the appearance of First Lieutenant Hawkeye, who informed him sympathetically that the Colonel would like to see him in his office.

Ed didn't JUMP to his feet (if it looked like that to anyone, it was just that because hearing that bastard colonel's name was enough to send him into a rage), but he did move a trifle faster than he would have on ordinary circumstances."Th-Thank you, First Lieutenant,"he stammered(not gratefully, he wasn't GRATEFUL for having to see that arrogant jerk, but...), leaving his tray on the table and walking swiftly towards the door. Walking as slowly as possible, Ed stopped in front of the colonel's door, taking a moment to make sure his smart-ass, insolent grin was on his face before he entered.

There was no one there. Sure, there was a mountainous stack of papers atop Mustang's desk, a sign that this alien planet had once harbored life, but as of yet there was no sign of the perpetrator of Edward's previous summons.

Still, Ed didn't allow the look on his face to falter. Perhaps the bastard was waiting in ambush."It's somewhat RUDE to leave your subordinates all alone in your office while you slack of at work, ne, taisa?"he drawled lazily, rolling his eyes around in every direction, trying to find out where exactly the scum-sucking colonel had gone. Was he in the light fixture, maybe? It would have been tricky, but Mustang was, after all, a tricky bastard. You couldn't put anything past him.

"I'm right here, Fullmetal,"a voice answered, and sure enough, it was Mustang's - coming from his desk."I keep forgetting that a person of normal stature would be able to see me behind these stacks of insufferable reports."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MOLEHILL IN FRONT OF A MOUNTAIN?!?!"Ed roared, face already turning red. There was movement behind the desk, and Ed could finally see the top of Mustang's head; he must have stood up.

And that smirk was there, oh yes, that smirk that meant nothing good for the Fullmetal Alchemist, prodigy though he was. It was such a pain, working under a person of authority. Edward replaced his glare with the previous lolling grin.

Commence game.

Ed took his usual seat on the couch, draping his arms over the side carelessly."First Lieutenant Hawkeye said you had an assignment for me, taisa?" There. That was perfectly insubordinate, as much as he could get away with. But it hadn't succeeded in annoying that bastard yet.

If anything, Mustang seemed to smirk even more, leaning against his desk(causing the aforementioned reports to wobble dangerously)."I told her to SEND for you, Fullmetal; why does that always seem to translate into a mission for you?"

"That's what it is, isn't it?"Ed's brilliant golden eyes flashed for a second."It's work. And it'll be the worst job imaginable out there, since that's the lot I always seem to be stuck with."Against his will, his temper started to rise.

The older man noticed."Losing your temper already?"That smirk threatened to split his face in two."It's a bit early for you to start your usual raving, Fullmetal."He thought for a moment."If I recall, it's usually two or three statements from now that set you off."

Right, right. With effort, Ed replaced his grin."So for what purpose have you deigned to see me, Colonel Bastard?"he asked innocently, all professionalism."I didn't someone as mighty as yourself had the TIME for insignificant State Alchemists such as myself... After all, I refused to help in your miniskirt campaign."

Which he wouldn't have minded, in all truth, but annoying the taisa had (always) come first.

"Well, consider it your to charity."

"Charity?"Ed repeated, not sure if he heard right. Last time he had checked, Mustang wasn't exactly a charitable person."What? Handing out soup to orphans? Transmuting materials into toys?"

The Colonel waved a hand in front of his face dismissively."Not for the town, for the headquarters. It IS the holiday season, after all, so I've elected to give the staff these twelve joyful days off to participate in the merrymaking."

Ed snorted derisively."You mean, you're giving YOURSELF twelve days off so you can get tanked, and in the principle of equal exchange, you're letting the other staff indulge as well."

That smirk was starting to show teeth, as though it were evolving into a new sort of smirk."Or that."

"I don't care."Ed stood up."You know I don't celebrate Christmas. Since I'm not celebrating, I'm not obligated to help you with anything."

Mustang was characteristically pleased with himself. Trapping Fullmetal in a corner was inexpressable joy brought to life."You don't say? Well, if you're going to so coldy reject my offer of a vacation..."He gestured, most offhandedly, at his desk."...There are all these reports that need reading. And I think the library could do with some reshelving...IF you can reach the shelves. Perhaps I'd better have Major Armstrong help you with that..."

"Who's so short they need a booster seat?!"Ed grumbled, losing face and well aware of it. He bit back his temper as well as his few choice words."What do you want me to do?"he asked petulantly, instead.

"Nothing so terrible,"the Flame Alchemist said mildly, his words betrayed by the now full-fledged grin on his face."Just a bit of tidying up in the great hall. Your...build...ensures that no speck of dust shall go unnoticed."

Perhaps that last comment was unnecessary, but the fiery blond's reaction was quite worth it."I AM NOT SO SHORT THAT DUSTBALLS ARE TREES IN COMPARISON, YOU BASTARD COLONEL!"he exploded, getting facial tics from every direction in an amusing, almost alchemical, pattern.

"No one said anything of the sort,"Mustang replied, voice still mild, but the corners of his mouth twitching."But it's quite an involving task. You'd better get started right away."

Game over. Score - Mustang:1, Elric:0.

"I - hate that - bastard colonel - "Ed grunted, finally sagging down on the floor in relief. He should have known that it was alchemically impossible to clean a room, and that dissembling the place and reassembling it was not the practical solution. The job would have been infinitely more tiring had Al not come along to help, his help with the cleaning less appreciated than the comforting rein he kept on his brother's temper. After all, he was a suit of armor - delicate strokes with the feather duster were prone to end in ruin, despite his best attempts.

"Nii-san, it's not just you,"Al remarked, not bothering with sitting - he wasn't really tired, after all, this was just normal for him. "Mustang-taisa has charged the whole building with helping in preparation for the holidays."

"But he had to give me the LOUSIEST job,"Ed howled, failing to be comforted by this fact,"while that lazy son of a bitch went with Second Lieutenant Havoc to SHOP!"He ground his teeth in anger."All they're doing is picking out booze, drinking half of it on the walk home, and stopping at the store on 1st - right next to the headquarters, might I point out - and picking up some more!"Ed cast around in his mind for more examples."And Hughes! He just sent Hughes HOME for the week! Why couldn't we go back to Rizenbul?!"

"Ah, Nii-san..."Al really ventured with his next comment."Would you really...w-want Mr. Hughes around...? All the time...?"

"Fine, fine,"Ed muttered."I'll give the bastard credit for that one."He thrust out his lower lip suddenly, looking uncharacteristically cute."Ne, Al...it's not even fair, is it? It's like he's doing this on purpose, knowing that we don't celebrate Christmas..."

"Well, nii-san, maybe he is,"Al replied, his robotic face unreadable, then quickly turned in the direction of the door."Ms. Hawkeye!"he shouted then, and Ed turned to see the First Lieutenant struggling under the weight of many packages."Let me help you with that!"

"Thank you, Alphonse,"Ed heard her say from far away, but he was too busy absorbed in his own thoughts to care.

(Even Al thinks he's out to get us), he perused bitterly.(Stupid bastard colonel...I hope his parties suck. I hope the Fuhrer comes to visit and gets food poisoning from the stew.)

(Wait a minute...)

If Edward Elric could have seen himself in that moment, that moment when he started smirking royally and formulating his master plan, he probably would have slapped himself silly in ostracism.

His expression nearly mirrored that of Roy Mustang's.

AN-Blah. I'm not sure how well this came out. >. I guess I like it. Do I? Do you? PLEASE let me know. I'm really torn up about this. On another note, I heart the Fuhrer to death, even knowing the episode spoilers that I do. However, he won't be appearing in this story(timeline? what timeline? snicker). Enh. The big thing I'm worried about is characterization. I feel it lacking, sucking at me like some sort of vortex. Grrr. Please review! Ch.2: Of Limbos and Lovemaking!

"The Colonel's whispered comment to Edward made him blush and stammer awkwardly that he'd better not expect him to do anything like THAT."

::giggle:: Ja!

tiger


	2. Of Limbos and Lovemaking

Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard - Proof That Revenge Is A Kind Of Wild Justice

Mission One - Of Limbos and Lovemaking

AN-Mmm, an uber-thanks to all of my reviewers thus far(last I checked it was a whopping 4, but if any more come after that, domo!), but I would like to ask that my reviewers please log in if they have an account, so I can properly do a review trade. Also, if you add to me your favorites list, can you leave in a review or something that you're doing so? There's nothing creepier than seeing someone you don't even recognize adding you to their 'list'...like the mob. ::shudder:: I know, I'm being unnecessarily picky when I should be bowing down on hands and knees to thank you for leaving such WONDERFUL reviews. ::gushes at the thought, they were utterly fantastic:: This is actually my first FMA fic, and I'm proud that it's being so excellently received. I was a little worried at first, but I think I'll finish this one now. Thanks for your inspiration!

-tiger-

(It's not as though I'm ADMITTING anything), Ed reflected, staring down at the narrow length of wood balanced between two posts grumpily.(I'm just thinking strategically, that's all. If I want to beat that bastard of a colonel...)

He swallowed and looked around hurriedly.

(...I might just have to reflect on the fact that I'm barely-noticable-maybe-possibly-only-a-scant-CENTIMETER!...shorter than him.)

The very thought caused a sporadic facial tic to arise, as the blonde teen glared at the limbo stick like the situation was all it's fault.

Completely disregarding the fact that it was Christmas as well as winter(seasons were only important when you were outdoors, and the subject of God was irrelevant to the Fullmetal Alchemist), Ed thought his idea to set up a limbo contest was quite clever. After all, there was no way he could lose. His slight, diminutive, positively MARGINAL shortcoming in height was a factor that worked to his advantage, but in addition to that, he'd been practicing the damn thing all day. He could sidle his way all the way down to the third bar, and let that smirking bastard try to top that!

It was a FRIENDLY contest, of course - he'd be quite clear in stressing that - in which the victor would have the authority to claim one favor from the loser, without complaint or refusal. Ooh, and that would be the grandest moment of Ed's life, where he would finally be able to bury his fist, consequence-free, into that smirking, superior face. A feeling as good as finding the Philosopher's Stone. No, wait...BETTER(if only slightly).

Unaware of how creepy his laughter sounded, Ed pushed open the doors to the great hall and strolled in, the picture of...well, of creepily laughing ease. The full personnel of the Eastern Branch HQ was there - Fury gushing over Black Hayate's Christmas ribbon, Breda trying to stay as far away from Fury as possible, Farman acting as a human shield between Breda and the dog, Havoc boasting to the librarian about how great he was, and Mustang and Hawkeye seemingly deep in conversation. Ed noticed not only the absence of Hughes(if he'd believed in God, he would've thanked him most graciously then), but also, suspiciously, the absence of Al. His brother wouldn't voluntarily disappear on his own, so Edward followed his backup course of action.

When in doubt, blame the taisa.

"Oi, Mustang!"he shouted, performing an admirable(given his height) jump over the beverage table and running to face his superior, not even aware that he'd already taken his traditional battle stance."Where's Al?!"

And - of course - the Colonel found the whole situation wonderfully entertaining."Had it occured to you that perhaps he stepped out on his own for a minute?"But his telltale smile gave away that this was indeed not the case, and it slowly faded under Ed's furious gaze."...He requested that I keep his destination hidden from you."

"What?!"Edward just barely refrained from grabbing the older man's collar and shaking him around in fury. After all, he might need his hands - if a bit of alchemical clapping was in order."Tell me where he went, now!"

Mustang spread his hands gracefully."I gave him my word."

Ed growled, wishing he hadn't left that limbo stick over in the corner so that he could beat the colonel into submission. (Wait a second...)A cheeky grin spread out on his face."How about this, taisa?"he asked, as politely as he could muster."I challenge you to a friendly contest...a FRIENDLY one, mind you..."

As the problematic teen darted off to make prepartions for their 'contest', Roy Mustang laughed on the inside.

Why yes, he would LOVE to participate in an event that would spell yet another bout of humiliation for the Fullmetal Alchemist; no, he didn't mind AT ALL that it was a somewhat unseasonable event for this time of year; and OF COURSE he would completely, utterly, and without retraction agree to the terms that were set out.

"You seem awfully happy about this, sir,"said Hawkeye in a low voice, not averting her eyes from the center of the room. Roy shrugged.

"Do I?"

"Yes, yes, you do."Riza was beginning to get suspicious."How are you planning to ruin that boy's life now?"Without looking at him, her eyes narrowed.

"Honestly, I'm offended, First Lieutenant. After all, he was the one who instigated this whole thing."

Hawkeye snorted."Childish. You're being childish."She turned to face him, face stern, but there was an unmistakable twinkle in her eye."Please go easy on him, sir."

"Don't I always?"Roy replied, with mock seriousness. The blonde woman's asperity suddenly turned to curiosity.

"It's true that if he wins, you're going to tell him where Alphonse went,"she conceded,"but what exactly do you have in store for him if he loses?"

"Oh, that?"Mustang emulated the air of one who hadn't thought at all about something so trivial, which - as everyone knows - little else had been occupying his thoughts."I think I'll take him to the 'closet'."

And as Hawkeye's jaw dropped open at the implications of such a thing - such an awful thing, and he would go so far as to do it to a CHILD - the Fullmetal Alchemist transmuted a glass into a megaphone and announced that the battle was on.

(Why's Hawkeye looked at me so sympathetically?)Edward wondered as he slid easily under the lowered bar.(I've got this thing in the bag.)

Although, he was forced to admit reluctantly, that the bastard of a colonel had done a pretty decent job of keeping up with him so far. Perhaps the man was one of those freakish double-jointed people who could bend themselves into pretzels without breaking a sweat. It didn't matter, though. Soon he would know the bitter taste of defeat - and Ed could find out where exactly that snake had sent his brother.

Click, went the bar as it lowered another level, and that annoying limbo music blared in the background. Havoc had insisted upon it, said it made the whole thing seem more 'appropriate', and had even donned some sort of ridiculous straw hat he'd picked up from somewhere. There were mixed bets on who would be the victor, but Ed honestly didn't care. It was a personal victory. He'd beat down that grinning idiot and never let him hear the end of it. Nothing could stop him.

Well, except for that nagging fact in the back of his brain that registered the information that...well, that Mustang HADN'T lost yet. And that - for the record - he was actually quite good at this limbo thing. Ed frowned. It wasn't something soldiers did in their off time, was it? He hoped not, it was at least something HE'D never considered doing, no matter how bored he got.

Instead of dwelling on that fact further, he instead chose to observe his opponent carefully, watch his moves, and see if there was some sort of trick to his skill. Maybe Mustang had arthritic knees or something.

Click. It was Ed's turn again, and he couldn't help but notice that if one truly wanted a glimpse at his pelvis or up his shirt, that the entire practice of limboing would certainly give them an ample look. He grumbled aloud and nearly clipped his head on the bar, blaming it on his moment's distraction, not on the fact that the bar was actually lowering to about the level where he'd fell during practice...

Click. Ed watched intently as Mustang flowed under the bar, making it look completely effortless. (How the hell does he do it?) Ed frowned to himself, trying to think of another reason besides 'he's cheating, what a scumbag!'.(It's like he's got rubber instead of bones; maybe Winry was right, and I should've drank my milk when I was younger...)

Click. Great. It was the fourth level to the bottom, so on the next turn - theoretically - he was toast. But first, he had to make it past this one. Ed tossed his head back and arched his spine, putting all of his effort into it... Whew. That single, random strand of his hair - the one that always seemed to stick up no matter what he did - grazed the top, but no one took notice of it. He stood up straight, radiating smugness. There was no way that pompous giant could go any lower than that.

"Watch carefully, Fullmetal,"Mustang advised, and of course Ed would - he'd watch the man LOSE, and remember it for the rest of his life. He ground his teeth together and leaned forward on his feet, eyes narrowing intently.

Then - the blonde choked in disbelief - Mustang seemed to fall backwards, like he was cut in half; no...he'd bent himself over BACKWARDS, that snarky bastard had, grabbing his own ankles and smirking openly, despite how ridiculous he looked! And was it just Ed, or was he getting that look that seemed reserved for a pretty girl in the dark of the bedroom, not for a gawky boy in the middle of a brightly lit room surrounded by a group of snickering soldiers? And who the hell had made the room so hot?!

Ed practically ripped off his coat in haste as the colonel easily passed underneath the bar and straightened up. When he turned to face the younger boy, the earlier look was gone - if it had ever BEEN there, Ed reminded himself - and was replaced with little more than a congenial smile. Click."Your turn,"was all he said.

Edward glared at all the laughing soldiers and strode purposefully towards the bar - and what was WITH that idiot colonel anyway, flashing him that hungry look while looking all sweaty and attractive?! - not even noticing as he stumbled plainly over it, crashing onto the floor.

"Edward-kun!"shouted Hawkeye, hurrying over to him."What happened?!"

"'WHAT HAPPENED'?!"Ed roared, sitting up and holding a hand to his throbbing head."I FELL, that's what happened!"The First Lieutenant's dangerous look quailed any further retorts, however."Uh...thanks for asking, though..."

A hand appeared in front of him."Are you all right?"Looking up, Edward noticed Mustang, trying unsuccessfully to hold back his smirk. Feeling quite volatile, Ed shoved his hand away and stood up.

"It's your fault,"he mumbled, brushing past the circle of people to pick up his jacket."Anyway, I lost,"he went on, carefully avoiding the others' eyes. What the hell had he been THINKING when he went over that limbo bar? Was he some sort of FREAK?!"Looks like I owe you a favor."

"That's right, I'd nearly forgotten,"agreed Mustang, trying (unsuccessfully, yet again) to look as though it hadn't been the only thing on his mind for the past half an hour."Oh, you'll want to leave your jacket,"he added, leading the way out of the great hall."It can get somewhat...stuffy...inside of the closet."

"C-Closet?"Ed gulped, feeling a new sense of dread pervade his senses. Farman's hurried prayer, as well as Fury's squeak of 'No, sir, can't you think of anything but THAT?', and Havoc's loss of the cigarette from his mouth only added to said feeling. But he was a man, wasn't he? He'd take whatever the colonel could dish out, and give it back tenfold some day.

Still...

"Oi, taisa,"he called, jogging to catch up with the man."How'd you manage to keep up with me? I've never heard anything around the office about this creepy flexibility."

Mustang gave him a slightly dubious look."You really want to know? Most people hate to hear it."

And a glance around the room confirmed this, as Fury blushed and Havoc seemed suddenly angry. Ed, however, wasn't about to be fazed."Yeah,"he said, nodding curtly. The colonel sighed and shrugged with his arms out, as if to say 'What can you do?', then bent his head.

Mustang's whispered comment to the teen made him blush and stammer awkwardly that he'd better not expect him to do anything like THAT, while Breda snickered into his beer and Hawkeye rolled her eyes.

As if to enforce Ed's statement, Black Hayate yipped fiercely as the two of them left the hall.

The 'closet' was indeed nothing more than that, albeit slightly smaller than a normal closet. It was located in the darkest, most secluded hallway on the basement floor, which gave Edward the impression that no matter how loud he screamed, no one up above would be able to hear him.

(That is), he considered, staring glumly at the taisa's back, (if I'm even going to be screaming at all...)

Upon which he flushed horribly and skidded on a patch of sodden concrete, nearly crashing into the door that Mustang had opened seemingly from out of nowhere. Shaking uncontrollably, he found himself looking at the wall, the floor, the doorknob - everywhere but the older man's face.

"Shaking, are you?"Ed felt himself nudged inside, into that terrible blackness."Don't worry, you gain a sort of numbness to it after the first couple of times."Then he heard the door begin to close. He had a moment to spin around and stare at the receding hallway, then Mustang shut the door and they were trapped in the dark.

There were the sounds of scuffling for a minute, then a muffled curse."Instead of just standing there, Fullmetal, why don't you help me find the light?"

Edward backed into the farthest corner and tried to avoid the colonel's fumbling hands."A-Ah, taisa..."He could barely make himself say the next part."I thought...I thought...you're-supposed-to-do-things-like-this-in-the-dark,"he said quickly, glad the lack of light hid his burning face.

Raucous laughter, and then: "Nonsense, Major Elric,"came the cheerful reply."I'd like to see your face."Upon which his palm smacked abruptly into said face, causing a string of curses to flow from Ed's mouth. At this point, the teen decided it was better to cooperate.

After a bit of trial-and-error - Ed's face felt fit to burst into flame - they finally located the pullstring, and light flooded into the cramped room. Blinking his brilliant golden eyes to adjust to the sudden difference, he found himself staring at Mustang's arrogant face."What?"he muttered, involuntarily backing into a shelf of boxes that - he now discovered - were the reason that the closet was so small to begin with.

"Well, you were so entertaining, Fullmetal - I almost forgot why we're here,"the colonel answered, reaching out for him. Ed grimaced and squinched his eyes shut - he would be a MAN, dammit, and handle it like one! - only to feel Mustang's arms slide OVER his head, and at the shelf behind him.

Ed's eyes fluttered open in shock, and he found himself staring at an impeccable blue field, complete with gold buttons - the colonel's uniform, seeing as how the teen's head barely reached his chest. Twisting around, he watched Mustang lift down one of the boxes(with a considerable effort, too; Ed wondered what was in them) and drop it on the floor unceremoniously."Well, here's your assignment,"he said, gesturing towards the box."Maes wouldn't get any work done if we left it up to him, but he seems to undergo some sort of unrecognizable medical fit if we just leave it alone, so..."

Ed frowned at the hanging sentence."So? What's in these boxes?"

"Alphonse went to spend the week with the Rockbell's."

"Hunh?"Edward's jaw dropped open."Wait...what do you mean...? Al's with WINRY?"

"He insisted that he needed a tune-up. No doubt by that lovely blonde girl who lives there."

The teen sank onto the floor, knees going to his chest."I don't get it,"he mumbled, feeling miserable."Why didn't he tell me?"

"You mean, 'why did he leave me behind'?"The Flame Alchemist's face was unreadable.

"Yes, 'why did he leave me behind'! He knows I don't do this whole Christmas thing...but still!"Ed's lip shook minutely."We ALWAYS ignored Christmas together!"

Mustang shrugged and opened the door."In exchange for your brother's whereabouts, you, in turn, have my strictest orders not to leave headquarters. I swore to your brother that I wouldn't say anything; it'll look bad on my record if you show up tomorrow at the Rockbell's red-faced and screaming."He paused before closing the door."Find some way to organize those items in the box. That's your end of the deal."He exhaled loudly."It's foolish to think that your blood relatives are your only family,"was all he said, before shutting the door behind him.

The new librarian looked up as a loud groan seemed to come from the very foundations of the building itself."W-What was that, Mr. Havoc?"she asked the handsome young blonde man who had kindly escorted her to this gathering.

Havoc laughed and chewed on his unlit cigarette thoughtfully."Mustang-taisa asked Elric to organize 'the box'."

But this explanation was more confusing, rather than enlightening."I don't understand. What's so awful about a box?"

"Alicia... Alicia... ALICIA!!!"Edward groaned, sifting through photograph after photograph of the girl. Photographs, strands of hair, her first bloody lost tooth...

After hours upon hours of such vile torture, Ed felt like he would have preferred the taisa's more common use for a dark, secluded closet.

AN-::dies:: I don't know why it took me so long to write this. Does everyone like it? I hope so. Because...::points back to first statement:: ...I died writing this for you. Ooh, what about the ending? Did everyone think the 'closet torture' was amusing? I swear to God, when I wrote the original draft, it was way more hilarious. But oh, well. I'm hungry. I'm gonna go make a sandwich.

Ch. 3:Of Mistletoe and Mishaps!

"Well, Ed realized, staring at that cloud of dark hair, it could have been worse.

He could've been stuck under the mistletoe with Armstrong."

::giggles:: Ja!

-tiger-


	3. Of Mistletoe and Mishaps

Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard - Proof That Revenge Is A Kind Of Wild Justice

Mission Two - Of Mistletoe and Mishaps

AN-OMG! ::spazzes:: 17 REVIEWS! WHOO! (Sorry.) Okay, so I know that HICB(my other fanfiction) has broke the 300 mark, but I'm pleased with this nonetheless. I didn't think it would be so well-received. Don't worry, this WILL be finished either before or ON Christmas. I've planned it this way. ...Hopefully. I hope everyone's having a great holiday season so far! What to look forward to in this chapter: 1.)a humorous accident involving mistletoe and 2.)a humorous accident involving mistletoe AND Major Armstrong. Ee! Don't run away yet! It'll be good, I swear! ::dodges grossed-out fans::

-tiger-

To be honest, Ed really didn't have much of an opinion on the subject of mistletoe. It was much like Christmas itself - using tradition as an excuse to get something you might not get during any other day of the year; in this case, a kiss from a jovial friend or a reluctant colleague. It wasn't something he paid attention to, really, he just took special care during the Christmases he spent searching for the Philosopher's Stone not to walk under a threshold at the same time as someone else.

What he was counting on, however, was that Colonel Mustang would NOT be so cautious.

Clap.

Sniggering to himself, Ed put the finishing touches on his master plan. For the record, he wasn't even sure how the mechanics of it worked - it was almost like the laws of equivalent exchange were null and void during the 'magic' of the season - but he was certain of the outcome, having tested it himself(and unfortunately, having to use Scieska from the library as bait).

It was simple, if you chose to ignore the fact that it was alchemically incorrect. When two people passed under the 'enchanted' mistletoe, the opposite sides of the door would contract, causing the hapless passerbys to be rendered immobile under the door until they completed the mistletoe tradition(which was actually it's own way of equivalent exchange, when one thought about it) and gave each other a kiss.

All it all, Ed deemed it a fitting payback for that bastard colonel, who had kept the entire headquarters up at night laughing to himself(until Hawkeye went in and threatened him with her handgun, upon which only a couple of quiet snickers could be heard after that). Not that the Fullmetal Alchemist got much sleep, anyway. He'd been too busy having nightmares about Alicia.

"Alicia-chan..."he groaned aloud, tormented by a sudden onslaught of images. He could've sworn that he'd actually seen pictures of the girl in her FUTURE, so many did Hughes have in that damnable closet. And speaking of that damnable closet...

Ed stiffened his spine and snorted stubbornly, feeling that telltale prickling start on his face."Arrrghhh!"he yelled, shaking his head furiously back and forth, as though that would dispel his blush rather than kill his brain cells."Kisama, kisama, KISAMA!!!"

He kicked at the wall and stomped from the hall, not noticing Hawkeye laughing behind her hand from the other side of the door.

-----------------------------------------------

"I honestly think that Gracia's pregnant again,"Hughes was saying enthusiastically over the other end of the phone."Wouldn't that be great, Roy? I hope it's a boy, so we can play ball together and go fishing and..."

Clak. Then - Riiiiiiiing!

"Man, why's this connection so awful?"Hughes went on."We're right in Central, it shouldn't be this bad... Ah, anyway, Roy. Gracia keeps telling me that it's my imagination, but I KNOW these things, ya know; after all, I've got a father's instincts now..."

Clak. Not shortly thereafter - Riiiiiiing!

"Roy? Roy? I'm sort of getting the impression that you don't want to talk to me."Then Hughes laughed."Nah, that's ridiculous! Now, what was I saying...?"

"...Hughes?"

"Ah, you think I'm right, don't you Roy?"Mustang's eyebrow was twitching in irritation, but of course, Hughes couldn't see it."Why don't you come over and talk some sense into that Gracia of mine...? Ooh, but she'll be so beautiful once she gets starts to show again..."

"...Hughes."

"Eh, yeah?"

A second of silence, while Mustang pondered how to tell this to his friend gently. Then - "...WHAT IS THE POINT OF TAKING A VACATION WHEN YOU'RE JUST GOING TO CALL IN AT WORK ALL DAY LONG?!"

Clak. And this time, the phone didn't ring again. Mustang was sitting at his desk rubbing his assaulted ear when Hawkeye came in, looking uncommonly amused with something. And this in itself piqued the interest of the dark-haired man, for it was usually a whopper if it amused Hawkeye."Did something funny happen, First Lieutenant?"he asked calmly, refraining from rubbing his ear again. Damn Hughes.

"Nothing so funny,"she said, carefully trying not to smile."Just that Edward-kun is up to something again."

"Is he?"Roy smirked openly."Then it undoubtedly WILL be something entertaining, right? Feel like sharing?"

"...Not a chance,"replied Hawkeye smugly, taking her gun out of her pocket and starting to polish it, seemingly offhand. Roy sputtered.

"Wha - First Lieutenant - ?"He sighed in irritation."Then what was the point of telling me that he's up to no good in the first place?!"

"Oh, I just figured that I'd give you a heads-up,"the blonde woman said carelessly, observing that her gun had indeed reached it's optimum shine, and replacing it in her coat."After all,"she added, heading for the door...

"...It really is a lot more fun for us when he catches you off-guard, taisa."And Riza Hawkeye actually LAUGHED as she shut the door behind her.

--------------------------------------------------

Edward took his vantage point by the door. So far, everything had fallen into place properly. Major Armstrong had returned from his family's house in the afternoon("Did Katherine say anything about me?"Havoc had inquired eagerly), and the rest of East HQ had assembled in the great hall as was proper for their second day of festivity. All the necessary components were there, now all Ed needed was a catalyst...

"Oi, taisa, can you come over here for a second?"Ed called politely, hoping that his smile was professional rather than devious."Oh, and Major Armstrong, too?"He thought hurriedly about recent military events."It's, uh, about that report I gave on Lior..."

The ploy seemed to work on Armstrong, who sparkled heavily(Ed shielded his eyes surreptitiously) and began to lumber over; however, Mustang was a bit slower in complying. (He doesn't KNOW, does he?)Ed wondered, scurrying out the door past the mistletoe.(I mean, he couldn't, could he?)

"Now, what is this about Lior, Edward Elric?"Armstrong inquired beside him. Ed couldn't even see him through all those sparkles; they seemed to intensify during the Christmas season. He tried to make out Armstrong's massive form - there, he was standing next to the wall inadvertantly illuminating a portrait of the Virgin Mary(how's that for irony, kids?) and waiting patiently...

Wait a minute! Wasn't he supposed to be stuck in the door?! Ed pushed past a puzzled major and looked around, spotting Mustang as he crossed under the threshold of the door, which was clearly dormant.

"Hold on!"he fumed, rushing up and grabbing the colonel by the collar."Why didn't you go through the door together?!"

The Flame Alchemist rolled his eyes."Did you really expect Major Armstrong and I to both fit through this narrow excuse for a door? If we had tried it, we would have gotten - "

And then there was the sensation of being pressed up against something firm as Ed's world turned(interestingly enough) blue.

" - stuck,"Mustang finished dryly, looking around at the situation as though he had expected nothing less(and, given that it was Edward, perhaps he was right in assuming this).

Ed slowly raised his head as though he were the victim in a horror film, as though facing the truth slowly would somehow bring less mortification than approaching it quickly. He chanced a look around, not even daring to breathe.

The blue had been the color of the colonel's uniform. And the firm thing he had been squished up against was none other than the colonel himself.

As they had both inadvertantly passed under the overhang at the same time, thus getting stuck in Edward's door trap.

Havoc's startled laughter was followed by him quickly choking on his own cigarette. Hawkeye looked stunned, and even Armstrong's sparkles had dimmed somewhat. Ed shook his head a few times, trying to calm himself.

Well, there had to be some sort of logical solution out of it. Ed had rigged this door himself, after all - surely he could dissemble it?

Until then, he'd be perfectly content with flailing his arms around in a (panic) rage, thank you very much.

-----------------------------------------------

Some time later, Edward slumped against Mustang's chest, exhausted.

They'd tried everything - alchemy, physically breaking the door down, from even going so far as to detach Ed's automail in the hopes that he'd be able to squeeze out(and boy, had THAT hurt) - all in vain. The truth was, Ed had rigged the door good - TOO good, in fact.

And Ed was TIRED. Having his automail detached then reattached was draining as it were; he'd earlier tried every alchemical solution known to man in the hopes of freeing himself, had spazzed out for another half an hour, was lightly singed by the taisa as HE tried to burn the door down(though Ed suspected that he'd missed on purpose), and on top of it all, he was still trying to find a comfortable enough position to relax while the other military personnel tried to find a solution to this somewhat unusual problem.

Not as though Edward COULD be comfortable smashed between a door with the object of his loathing, but since he'd grabbed Mustang's collar in the instant before that damnable door had closed in on them, his own knuckles were digging into his throat and his feet were actually DANGLING several inches off the ground, causing his spine to arch painfully. He hoped some moron found a solution to this problem soon(completely ignoring the fact that it was HIS fault to begin with).

Hawkeye sighed in exasperation."Edward-kun, please don't make me shoot you,"she said, pulling her guns out of her coat."Just tell us how exactly you rigged this door, and what exactly the two of you have to do in order to be freed."

Mustang's staff had originally found the predicament to be hilarious, but as time wore late and no obvious solution(save Edward's hidden one) was in sight, the greater part of the headquarters had actually gone off to bed. Only Hawkeye and the ever-valiant Armstrong remained, Armstrong's sparkles giving off enough light in the dark so that the four of them could see.

"No way!"Ed refused stubbornly."The pain of bullets is nothing compared to the pain of having to admit this!!!"

Riza looked annoyed, but a sudden light seemed to dawn on Armstrong's face, nearly blinding the rest of his companions. "Come, First Lieutenant,"he said suddenly, taking her arm and leading her away from the other two men."You see, my family has passed down an incredible intuition through the generations, and something tells me that a situation like this will simply...resolve itself by morning."

Hawkeye blinked - had Armstrong just WINKED at her, or was that some sort of illusion created by his sparkles? She glanced back at Edward and the taisa, the former kicking his feet in the air in frustration, and the latter clearly resisting the urge to snap his fingers and incinerate the both of them.

And the first lieutenant found herself grinning broadly."Yes, I think you're right."

---------------------------------------

"I wonder where Hawkeye and the Major went,"Ed mumbled, still squirming some ten minutes after they had gone."Maybe they figured out how to get us out of here?"He couldn't help the hope that shone on his face.

"Undoubtedly, they are asleep in their beds,"Mustang commented dryly,"which is - "here he shot a glare at the blonde" - where I would like to be as well."

"It's not my fault!"Ed protested, even though it clearly was. But hey, he had to say something.

Silence for a bit. Then - "Stop kicking me, Fullmetal."

"Then get out of my way, kuso taisa!"

Mustang smirked."Feet not quite reaching the ground, Fullmetal?"

"Who's so short and hanging that they're mistaken for a pinata?!"Ed hissed, glaring up into the older man's face."Besides, my back hurts."

"Well, since you're so determined to keep the key to our freedom a secret, I consider it fair penance,"Roy shrugged,"but if you're so driven on remaining this way for eternity, you'd probably be more comfortable if you put your hands down by your side."

"Can't,"Ed grunted in reply, trying again anyway.

Then Roy tried another tactic, which involved smirking and the words:"Around me, then."

It seemed to have the desired effect, since Edward twitched and howled as though he was bitten by something unseen."That's DISGUSTING, you pervy taisa!"he screamed in a rage, spittle actually flying from his mouth in all directions."It's bad enough that I'd have to KISS you to get out of here, what makes you think I'd do something like THAT?!"

Then came the most awkward silence of Edward Elric's life, as he absorbed what he had just said.

Mustang stared for a minute, then his eyes narrowed dangerously."You mean to tell me,"he said slowly,"that I've been trapped in a CONTRACTING MAGIC DOOR for THREE HOURS because you've been too HOMOPHOBIC to tell us the way OUT OF HERE...?"

"Well, when you put it that way, it does sound sorta ridiculous,"Ed grumbled, avoiding Mustang's eyes. He looked up hurriedly, then just as quickly looked away."I'm-not-going-anywhere-near-your-mouth,"he added hastily, feeling that infernal blush rising again.

And that damn man was LAUGHING; Ed could feel his chest shaking. Before he lost his nerve, the teen grabbed the Flame Alchemist's arm and shoved his sleeve up, brushing his lips against Mustang's wrist with lightning speed.

Yet nothing happened."Nothing happened,"said the colonel aloud, as if he needed to acknowledge this fact in order for it to be real.

"Equivalent exchange,"Ed said curtly."It would've been different if it was our mouths, but - no way."He shuddered at the thought.

"I see."Mustang examined Ed's wrist for a second, then let it drop."Like swallowing a chicken bone,"he alluded, then moved on the boy's ear.

"Hey, that's - ha ha ha!"Oh, did someone forget to mention to the colonel that Major Elric was TICKLISH? Maybe once, in passing. And was it really necessary to NIBBLE like that? Enh, probably not. It wasn't as though Ed, shaking with paroxyms of laughter, really cared anway. He blushed furiously and tried to ignore the strange feeling in the pit of his stomach.

After all, he realized, staring at that cloud of dark hair, the situation could have been a lot worse. He could have been stuck under the mistletoe with Armstrong.

Still, when the door finally opened back up and released the two of them, it didn't stop him from hitting the ground running, putting as much distance between himself and the taisa as he could manage.

AN::is snerking so hard she's falling out of her chair:: Kawaii, ne? I just have this mental image of Ed hitting the ground running. Ew, I'm so hungry now. I'm gonna go eat, and hopefully tomorrow I'll have a new chapter for all of you! A chapter a day keeps the doctor away! BTW, the new title for this story should just be "The let's watch as tigerofthewind tries to put Edward-kun into the most mortifying situations with Mustang-taisa under the pretense of a Christmas story Story". Oh, and can anyone imagine if someone got stuck under the mistletoe with Armstrong? Thatthe Evil.

Mission Three:Of Snowballs and Sneezes! "Ed turned eight different shades of red as he realized that the fire wasn't the only thing keeping him warm."

Stay tuned, kudasai! Arigatou!

-tiger-


	4. Of Snowballs and Sneezes

Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard - Proof That Revenge Is A Kind Of Wild Justice

Mission Three - Of Snowballs and Sneezes

AN-::giggles at LiveJournal posts:: These things always know how to get me in the mood for writing. These people are NUTS. But in a fun, wacky neighbor sort of way. So...::whistles:: 19 reviews, hunh? Come on, we can do better than that! We oughta at least break 25 with this! If I don't, I'm not gonna deliver on the saucy shounen-ai scenes previously promised! And I mean, really, why ELSE are you reading this fic? XD Not for the witty banter, I hope?

-tiger-

Edward had successfully avoided the colonel for two days after that dreadful mistletoe incident, and today's plan was no different. If everything went accordingly, he wouldn't have to face that bastard at all.

IF everything went accordingly.

Which, whether Ed was aware of it or not, didn't seem to be the case in regards to recent events.

Still, he sat atop the roof of the military building blissfully packing a pile of snow into a wall and stamping his feet to keep warm. It was the only downside to an otherwise brilliant plan - this freaking cold. Ed wasn't much of a cold person, both in body and in spirit. Maybe it was the whole half-metal thing, but it just seemed like the chill wore him down, physically and mentally.

As if to punctuate this point, he sneezed aloud.

But he wouldn't let it get him down. Quitting was for...well, quitters. Yeah. Besides, this latest trick was guaranteed success.

This was his plan summarized into points:

1.)At all costs, AVOID BEING SEEN. After his latest fiasco, he couldn't bear to see Mustang's face now knowing that the man had chewed on his - AH! No, no, he wouldn't think about it. And just so he didn't have to see that superior smirk, he'd set up his lovely wall atop the building that completely concealed him from view. Phase one, check.

2.)Just a couple of harmless - read:HARD AS ICE - snowballs waiting conviently on the roof next to him. Five or six in all. Just enough for pelting a certain annoying taisa into submission. And if he got knocked unconcious, Ed would just blame it on his excessive and somewhat extraneous alcohol consumption. Phase two, check.

3.)Well, that was sort of the end of his plan... But there were definitely other options he could take into consideration, like hopping down from the roof and stepping on Mustang's face just for fun. You never know. The night's possibilities were endless. Phase three(possibly), check.

As if on cue, the door to the great hall opened and none other than the Flame Alchemist stepped out, yawning and looking moderately bored. Ed clapped his hands over his mouth to cover his sniggering and leapt towards the edge of the roof, nearly knocking over his tediously-created wall as he did so.

Muffling another sneeze with his fist, the blonde looked down at his unsuspecting prey. While it was true that carnivores usually tended to attack the stragglers, Edward was somewhat of an optimist. No stumbling antelope was this, but the leader of the herd himself, fiercely proud yet weak with his arrogance.

(Oh, you can stand there looking all dashing and articulate with your pristine uniform, bastard taisa,)smirked Ed evilly to himself,(but we'll see who has the last laugh when I bash in your precious FACE with these over-sized ice bullets - uh, I mean, SNOWBALLS.)

When Ed heard Mustang's voice laughing up at him, he nearly fell off the roof. The presence of another voice, however, stopped him.

"It's...-night, no?"came a higher, prettier voice."...-for a stroll..."

And then, the low reply:"You're...-by comparison..."-then a sigh.

"...-Wrong?"

"...-Certain blonde subordinant-...-for Christmas..."

At this, Ed's ears perked up and he leaned over top his wall, confident that Mustang and his female escort wouldn't be able to see him. The teen recognized the woman with him as the librarian Havoc had been chatting with yesterday, an epiphany that would surely escalate Havoc's already-well-founded suspicions that the only women the taisa seemed to date were those the Second Lieutenant had an interest in. She was a pretty woman, in a plain sort of way, which surprised Ed. He'd always assumed that Mustang would be the type to go after an exotic, adventurous sort of beauty. Maybe it was just because of his name.

Ed strained to hear their conversation."A certain blonde subordinate?"the woman was asking."Well, I understand why he'd be upset, but..."

The rest of her words were drowned out(as was Mustang's reply, which made her color slightly) in a gust of wind. Thankfully, it also drowned out Ed's sneeze. He leaned over even further to catch the rest of their conversation.

"Well, what are you going to do?"the librarian was asking."He's only a kid."

Which made Ed twitch in anger, but he kept silent.

"There's only one thing to do with him when he's like this,"the dark-haired man informed her,"and that's - "

But he never got to finish his sentence, as Edward sneezed violently and felt his wall give way beneath him, crashing down between(but somehow MISSING ENTIRELY) the object of his loathing and Havoc's unsuspecting librarian.

It took Ed a moment to register what had happened. One minute he was on the roof, then there was a painful sensation of being jolted, and then he was surrounded by white. From above, he heard a muffled gasp.

"What on earth was THAT?"breathed the young woman."That was an awfully large chunk of snow that fell off the roof."

Ed held his breath, not daring to breathe. But the answer that came was smooth and unhesitant."These wind gusts are unusually strong. Perhaps we should head back inside?"

But the conversation after that was spoken in low voices, and Ed couldn't hear. He was entirely encased in his own snow wall, which had cowardly fallen atop him when he tumbled from the voice. What a GUTLESS pile of snow that was, such that it couldn't even stand upright when properly packed! He frowned at it, angry that it had fallen but relieved that it had landed on top of him, shielding him from the colonel's view.

Then there was the distinct sound of footsteps shuffling away, as well as a foreign snapping noise - had the librarian broken one of her heels, perhaps? - and Ed breathed a sigh of relief. Despite the fact that his plan had been foiled, at least he had come out of it unscathed. Well, his ass would hurt like hell tomorrow, and it felt like one of his rock-hard snowballs had landed on his head when he fell, but there were worse things. Like having to look up into a certain condescending, smirking face.

He sighed and set to waiting until the coast was clear, shivering slightly. He was moderately grumpy that his hard-earned ice balls weren't going to see any use(TODAY, he reminded himself, cheering a bit), and it was cold, too.

Or was it getting warmer? Yes, there was a definite feeling of warmth off to his right, near his leg. As a matter of fact, it was sort of growing to the point of uncomfortable, so he shifted his leg. Problem was, the feeling didn't subside.

Ed sneezed again, blowing a cloud of snow away from his face(but more importantly, his eyes.) It was probably then that he noticed his leg was on fire.

"AGHHH!"he shouted, dousing the contradictory flame in snow - except that now, he was noticing, there wasn't a lot of it LEFT - and struggling to get out of his makeshift igloo. He had managed to free his head and his metal limbs(you know, right arm and left leg?), when a hand snaked around his ankle, pulling him backwards.

There was an instant of blinding panic(just an instant, when he was reminded of the incident with Barry the Chopper), then he found himself soaked, shaking, and staring at a pair of familiar military-standard boots.

Oh, great. Just what Edward needed, a run in with King Smirk himself.

"I'll have you know,"Ed said loudly, forcing himself to stare at Mustang's face,"that there is a perfectly logical reason that I'm here."

He received a raised eyebrow in return. Still, he ploughed on, trying a different tactic."And who are you to be setting me on FIRE, anyway?! Here I was, trapped innocently in this pile of snow, and for some inhumane reason, you saw it fit to grill me like a steak!"

Ooh, not a good sign. Both of the taisa's eyebrows were now raised. But Ed wouldn't look away, he wouldn't give that bastard the satisfaction -

"Exactly how much trouble am I in?"he mumbled, looking away. And then he sneezed, as if to add insult to injury.

Mustang frowned, but not as though he was angry."What sort of idiocy were you taking part in now?"

"Nothing so major,"Ed fibbed hastily."Just some snowballs."

"Oh, you mean these?"Mustang picked up the one that had landed on Edward's head and threw it at the HQ building for demonstration. Whereas a normal snowball would have exploded upon contact, said snowball ricocheted off into a tree."Hmmmm,"was all he said, but as was typical, Ed began to overreact.

"Are you accusing me of something, hunh?!"he demanded, narrowing his eyes."I said it wasn't anything major, and now you're blowing it out of proportion!"(Mustang hid a smirk at this.)"And who did you say was so short that they're only good for rolling snowballs to be used as ice cubes?! I'll have you know - !"He was cut off abruptly as he sneezed again, futilely trying to huddle in his overcoat for warmth, which was as wet and as cold as he was.

Then he blinked as something warm and dark was thrown over his head - further investigation revealed it to be the colonel's coat, the one he wore over his uniform - and when Ed struggled to his feet, the owner of aforementioned coat was walking away. Grumbling and tugging the garment on(it was too long, and it smelled like cologne and charcoal), the young alchemist hurriedly trotted after him.

"Where are you GOING?"he asked, feeling as though somehow their business wasn't finished yet(though, was it ever?).

"Home,"the colonel replied pointedly, his tone and long strides implying that that too was where Fullmetal should be going.

In regards to this next portion of his life, Edward would later write it off to the effects of falling off a roof and having a snowball that was more akin to a baseball landing on your head. But the truth was, he was cold and miserable and lonely ever since Al left, and only the aloofness of the people around him had kept him acting normal. It was this random act of compassion that was what truly compelled him.

"Can I come with you?"he blurted out without thinking, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk.

Mustang turned around and regarded him with surprise - but only for an instant.

"I don't usually make a habit of taking in strays,"he admitted, smirking as he turned away,"but I think in this case, I'll make an exception."

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"Where's your date?"Edward asked politely, as he removed his shoes. He could do civil even if it killed him.

Mustang shrugged, removing his coat."She went home. She was a timid sort; I think nearly being crushed by a snowdrift was a bit too much for her."

"Are you saying that it's my fault you don't have anything to brag about to the office tomorrow?"

A smirk."Not at all."Then Mustang jerked his head in the direction of the living room."Go sit down, Fullmetal. I'll get coffee. And,"he added, looking disdainfully at the puddle of water that had formed where Edward stood,"a change of clothes."

The blonde meandered into the living room, rudely staring around at everything and nosing through the colonel's personal effects for a bit. He'd been expecting a ritzy sort of mansion(how well WERE colonel's paid, anyway?), but he sort of liked Mustang's sparsely furnished apartment better. It was messy and unremarkable, just like the man. He had to wonder what the ladies thought of it, though.

"I keep my diary in the desk drawer, if you were wondering,"Mustang commented dryly, entering just as Edward was poking through the books that were scattered on the floor. The teen snapped his head up and flushed guiltily.

"You'd checked out some books I'd wanted to read from the library,"he muttered.

"Well, some idiot seems to have dripped water all over them,"was the sarcastic reply."Get changed, and don't complain that the clothes are too big - they fit NORMAL people."

"Are you saying I'm small enough to wear a rubber band for a belt?"Edward asked, but with none of his usual fury. As a matter of fact, after he had exchanged his clothes for something drier and(though the undershirt hung to mid-thigh and he'd had to roll up the pants four times) helped himself to some of the freshly-brewed coffee(if it didn't kill you, it made you stronger), he actually felt quite good. Sleepy, and still slightly chilled, but definitely better.

The chill could be taken care of however, he saw as he reentered the living room, for it seemed as though the taisa had lit a fire while he was gone. Well, with a title like 'Flame Alchemist', it was only to be expected.

Mustang didn't even look up when Ed came in and sat in front of the fire(in fact, a bit too close for comfort, and he scooted back.) The elder alchemist was perusing a book thoughtfully - thoughtfully, but not exactly giving it his entire attention - a pair of reading glasses balanced on the bridge of his nose.

"I didn't know you wore glasses,"commented Ed lamely.

"It's not a fact I like to advertise,"the other man murmured distractedly, flipping a page."They make me look alarmingly old."He looked up then and smirked confidently."Though all the gorgeous women tell me that they suit me. Do you agree, Fullmetal?"

Ed turned eight different shades of red as he realized that the fire wasn't the only thing keeping him warm."Don't be a moron,"he muttered, grabbing the first book he saw and flipping it open to a random page."You look like a sniggering owl."

"Oh?"was all Mustang said to that before going back to whatever he was reading. Edward wasn't even really reading at all, rather glaring at the other occupant of the room with every ounce of animosity he could muster.

(What kind of idiot worries about appearances like that?)he complained inwardly.(Leave it to that bastard taisa to make a virtue out of necessity like that... Why even ask me about something like that at all? He KNOWS he looks like a walking sexsicle when he wears those!)

Just in time, Ed managed to prevent himself from falling backwards into the fire. What the hell was WRONG with him?! Why, in the name of logic, WHY? - couldn't he think like a normal teenager for once?! Oh, were his hormones out of whack. As soon as he got back to the dorm, he was gonna go next door and ask Havoc to borrow those girly magazines that the Second Lieutenant kept hidden under his bed.

Across the room, Mustang stood, replacing the book he had been reading on the table."Well, you truly ARE gifted, Fullmetal."

"Hunh?"Ed managed dumbly, snapping out of his disturbing reverie.

"Not only have you managed to charge through that insufferable self-help book that Charlotte left on my nightstand, you've also managed to do it...upside down."And he gestured, as if for emphasis, at the book that the blonde was, indeed, 'reading' upside down - then smirked royally.

"H-Hmph!"Ed snorted, but was quick to toss the offending book into a nearby chair.

"Perhaps you're in need of a pair of spectacles?"inquired Mustang politely, removing his and waving them around before putting them back on."Though I doubt you'll get many girls that way; they seem to associate glasses with social retardation at your age..."

"Shut UP,"Ed growled, knowing he was turning red but unable to help it."I left mine back in my room."

Now the colonel seemed truly interested."Is that why you're squinting at me?"

"No, that's just because I hate you,"the teen informed him."I'm GLARING, not SQUINTING."

"I see."Mustang started for the door."I don't MIND if you stay the night, Fullmetal, though you'll have to stay on the couch. I've an aversion to sharing to my bed with wet dogs."

"Very funny, Colonel Bastard. You're secretly hoping I'll join you out of spite."

For a moment the Flame Alchemist looked impressed - then he laughed."I'll let you win this one,"he conceded graciously, turning around again."Consider it an early Christmas gift." He was under the threshold of the door when Ed called after him.

"...Taisa?"

"Yes?"he drawled impatiently, turning around - stopping when he saw Edward's face.

"...Is it out of pity?"the blonde asked bluntly, a guarded look on his face.

"Is what out of pity?"

"You're not even MAD that I'm trying to make your holiday miserable! And if that's because you're feeling sorry for me, then you can shove it. I don't want your stinking pity."

"Then what DO you want?"

"I don't know!"Ed huffed in exasperation, shaking slightly."For you to get angry! To give back what you get in spades! To-To... To stop asking stupid questions!"he finished, having exhausted all other options.

To which the colonel laughed then, and snickered something to himself that sounded suspiciously like "still just a kid". Then he frowned in mock seriousness."You're kidding, right? About giving back to you what you've given to me? So you're saying that you want me to trip over a limbo bar, fall from a roof, AND get stuck under the mistletoe with you again? You must be some sort of sadist, right?"

"YOU'RE the sadist,"Ed grumbled, yanking a throw pillow from the couch and hurling it onto the floor.

"It's as I was saying,"Mustang continued, glancing at the squashed pillow for emphasis."When one doesn't even know how to act properly on a NORMAL day, you certainly can't expect them to observe all the social niceties of the HOLIDAYS, now can you? Besides..."He rolled this next bit around in the air for a time-"...it's not very infuriating for us when YOU'RE the one who's suffering from your own pranks, is it, Fullmetal? As a matter of fact-"Grin."-it's actually somewhat enjoyable. I hope you'll continue."

"And I hope you'll fall into a sewer shaft and expire,"Ed commented loudly, flopping down on the couch and rolling himself up in his coat,"but wishes are for saps."

"...And yet strangely predicatable,"Mustang muttered to no one in particular, shaking his head and going upstairs to sleep.

Downstairs, Ed growled at the fire. They didn't have any right to go around laughing at him like that when he was trying so hard to make their lives miserable! Well, there was still a long time left to this 'vacation'. He'd come up with a plan that would blow them all out of the water, that bloody military staff. They'd see, oh yes, and THEN who would be so short that they were mistaken for the cherry atop a sundae? Yeah, that's what he thought.

Besides, he hadn't tried lacing the brownies with laxative then trasmuting all the toilets into crocodiles yet.

ANBlah. Sorry that this fic wasn't finished by Christmas! I'm such a GODDAMNED LIAR!!!::cries:: Don't worry, I won't take it down by New Years, then. Hopefully, I will be finished by then. ::gasps:: 30 reviews?!?! OMG, I owe you guys one! Next chapter will PWN! It will be quite naughty, here's hoping that I don't get a nosebleed and bleed all over the comp. ::averts eyes:: To be honest...I'VE NEVER WRITTEN SAUCY STUFF LIKE THAT BEFORE! But yeah. Next chapter. No longer insinuation! The shounen-ai(actually, now it's crossed into the yaoi zone) will be there! Stick with me for just a bit longer!

Ch. 4:Of Armies and Aphrodisiacs! "'It's not like I WANT to molest you!' Ed sobbed hysterically, his actions belying his words.'I just...neglected to mention that I have a fetish for men in uniform!!!'"

::frowns:: So...::nosebleeds:: So...Can I write this? Can I? Do I HAVE that ability? Please, please, give me some encouragment!

-tiger-


	5. Of Armies and Aphrodisiacs

Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard - Proof That Revenge Is A Kind Of Wild Justice

Mission Four - Of Armies and Aphrodisiacs

AN-Oh, how I have to pee. Many thanks to my reviewers; there are so many of you that I've stopped taking count. Enjoy the yummy yaoi goodness(mmm, alliteration...). Oh, pssshaw. I'd meant for this chapter to scare people away, but it's so MILD. ::cries:: You'll see what I mean. There's some shounen-ai. Bite it.

-tiger-

Ed laughed from within his chest like a cheesy movie villain. He couldn't help it, he FELT like a cheesy movie villain("victory is in my grasp!" he roared, but inwardly), what with this utterly BRILLIANT scheme he had just come up with.

He unscrewed the lid of the small, nondescript bottle he had purchased from the pharmacist(sure, it had earned him a couple of weird glances, but a flash of his silver watch had stifled any questions one might have had) and poured the contents into tonight's wine. Glancing around to make sure the great hall was empty(he had managed to con Havoc into starting a fierce poker match that kept most of the headquarter's occupants distracted on the second floor for a bit), he hurriedly followed suit for the rest of the cases of alcohol.

It was a perfect way to get back at not only that bastard colonel, Ed decided, but also at the rest of his moronic military crew who thought his attempts at ruining Christmas were a joke. He would have prefered chopping off their legs at the knees(NO, it had nothing to do with a height complex!), but this would do just fine.

(Yes), he thought, cackling to himself and rubbing his hands together as he left the hall,(the corpse-strength aphrodisiac in the evening's wine would do just fine.)

-----------------------------------------------

All things considered, Roy Mustang was actually having a pretty good day. Though he'd been rudely awakened by the cursing and clanging noises made by a certain Fullmetal Alchemist, he'd also been pleasantly surprised to discover the kid could not only make a decent breakfast, but a decent cup of coffee as well. And, even better, as soon as he'd settled down for a verbal battle with the stubborn blonde, said blonde had mumbled something about equivalent trade and darted out the door as though he'd been shot.

A free breakfast and fresh coffee, and he didn't even have to suffer through the impatient presence of Fullmetal.

And then, in another unexpected bout of luck, Fullmetal had also suggested that the eastern branch entertain themselves by playing a few rounds of poker, which had subsequently landed him with half of Havoc's salary, and the promise that Farman would do his laundry for a month.

And now, he was getting ready for an excursion into town, hopefully to secure an evening for himself with a lovely blonde - no, scratch that - he was in the mood for a redhead.

Until then, since he was awake and in quite a cheery mood, he'd amuse himself even more by summoning Fullmetal to his office. Maybe he'd order the boy to go into town and masquerade as one of Santa's elves in the town square.

"You wanted to see me, taisa?"

Roy was about to say 'No, I wanted to see Fullmetal', when he looked up and saw that it was, indeed, the person he had called for. But where had that sudden docility come from? Did he, perhaps, want something he wouldn't ordinarily be able to have?

"Taisa?"

"There's been a shortage of helpers at the children's center in town, Fullmetal."Which was true, since Roy had just went out to dinner with the manager a few nights ago, and she had mentioned it then."You are to go down there and help. I presume that you'll be perfect for the job of 'elf'..."

"Because I'm short enough to be mistaken for a person who's not even real?"the blonde asked blandly, though his eyes were sparking."Got it, taisa. Am I exempt from tonight's festivities, then?"

"Of course not. You'll return to the barracks at 16:00 hours."Oh, how the cogs in Roy's brain were turning. Fullmetal was up to something, something unpleasant. Perhaps another one of those grand schemes to ruin Christmas that always seemed to end in disaster? Well, if that was the case... "I'd hate for you to miss the party, Fullmetal,"he added, smiling somewhat shark-like.

The grin Fullmetal gave in return was little better, however."Oh, I'd hate it too,"he agreed, heading for the door. Almost as an afterthought, he offered:"I'd be careful not to drink so much, taisa. It's bad for your health." Then he was gone, shoulders hitching in unmistakable laughter.

Roy leaned back in his chair, still smirking. Perhaps he'd cancel his evening plans after all.

------------------------------------------

With the night came the partying, and with the partying came the drinking, and with the drinking came Edward's glee. He hid himself in the corner with a glass of water and watched the events unfold.

It struck no one as surprising that Ed took water, whether it be the automail or his small frame, alcohol always seemed to go right to his head. A couple of sips of even the mild stuff, and he'd be tittering uncontrollably and trying to transmute the ice swan and the floor into a skating rink. Though that wasn't the only reason he steered clear of the stuff tonight.

He honestly didn't have too much of a clue about how potent the aphrodisiac was, he'd been tempted to test it out on either himself or that fresh batch of army recruits that had been transferred from Central that day, but had written both ideas off as ludicrous. Tonight was as good a way to test the stuff than any other; if it wasn't that strong, then no one would be any the wiser, and he could promptly forget about this whole thing.

It was a flawless plan. No one could accuse him of steering clear of the evening wine because he'd known it was tainted, he could simply say that he never cared for the stuff anyway, and it would be the truth. And if the surveillance cameras happened to catch some of the soldiers participating in somewhat...dubious...acts, well, he couldn't be blamed for that, either.

"I'm not really much of a drinking man,"Farman was off to the side saying, as someone shoved a glass of the dangerous red liquid into his hands,"but what the hell."He effectively drained his glass in one gulp."Ganbai!"

It was all Edward could do to keep from laughing out loud.

-----------------------------------------

"That lady from Central shure is a schuweet dishhhh,"Havoc slurred, partially from lack of sobriety, and partially because of his ever-present cigarette resting between his lips."Military polishe, hunh? I wonder if they carry 'em handcuffs around off-duty..."

At a break in the conversation, he turned to Fury, who he WAS talking to, only to find the young officer missing in action. And waitasecond...wasn't that FURY walking up to that hottie from Central right now?! And - Havoc's jaw dropped and his cigarette fell into drink - he was offering her a glass of that strange vintage that had been omnipresent all night! Even more mind-boggling, that look on his face wasn't really Fury at all. He just didn't LOOK like that, all smooth and passionate!

(What the hell is going on?)Havoc wondered, in that instant almost sober.(It's like the entire world has gone MAD!) He wondered, briefly - stupidly, more like it - if perhaps there had been an alchemical incident, and Fury and Mustang had somehow switched bodies. 'Cuz that was the ONLY way Cain Fury would ever have a look like THAT on his face.

Havoc shrugged and had just decided to write the whole thing off as a mid-inebriation hallucination when he saw that shorty Edward standing off in a corner by himself, pointedly looking at nothing while trying to look at everything, which meant he was either lonely or bored.

Well, Havoc knew a brilliant cure for both. He grabbed a whole bottle of that strangely addicting wine and made his way towards Edward.

------------------------------------------

Ed frowned as Second Lieutenant Havoc strode his way through the crowd towards him purposefully(or rather, as purposeful as one can get when drunk). He was overcome with a blind panic as he recalled just how much of the tainted drink the tall blonde had consumed that evening.

(Damndamndamndamndamndamn!)his mind shouted at him.(He can't possibly think I'M a prime target for his hormone-induced attentions, can he?!?!?! I know that bombshell he was eyeing up just got stolen away by Sergeant Fury - I feel for him, really I do - but THIS?!)

"Uh, Sec - "Ed had just opened up his mouth to make an excuse to leave when something long was forced into it.

(Oh, GOD!!!)

In that instant, that small, small instant when it seemed as though he had just been violated in the worst possible way, Edward Elric really did believe in God. He believed that God was a sick, sadistic freak who dealt not blessings, but revenge, revenge for making a mockery of His Son's birthday.

He was just about to make a promise to God to give up his catastrophic schemings when his brain caught up with the situation, and he realized it was not any part of the Second Lieutenant that was crammed down his throat, rather, the neck of the wine bottle said lieutenant had carried over. He breathed a sigh of relief and hastily remembered to swallow just before he choked to death.

"No sense in excludin' ya from the feshtivities...'cuz yer a kid,"Havoc was babbling on."Even KIDS - really short ones, even, mind you - 'ave got the right to...uh...par-tay! Yeah."

Ed - while being unable to respond angrily to Havoc's 'short' comment due to the obstruction of his mouth - did have the time to register two things. 1.)While clearly drunk out of his small, feeble mind, Havoc was either immune to the power of aphrodisiac, or, the stuff wasn't that strong at all and Ed had clearly been ripped off. He was forced to believe the former after a glimpse around the room, showing quite a few people doing some rather indecent things to one another, while a greater part of the room's occupants had vanished entirely - (including Fury and that Central woman), Ed noted to himself with disbelief.

Oh, and that pesky second thing? The fact that while he was standing there registering all the facts from event #1, that he'd been standing there drinking nearly HALF A BOTTLE of tainted alcohol!

Feeling a panic he had never felt before, he brought his hands together in a flash, breaking the bottle and covering himself and Havoc with wine and glass. Then he bolted for the door, leaving a bewildered Second Lieutenant behind.

--------------------------------------------------

Deep breaths, deep breaths. The small part of Edward's brain that was still functioning properly told him that if he could just get to his dorm without running into anyone, he'd be safe. It was easier said than done. He was, after all, quite fuzzy-headed from downing half a bottle of liquor, and all of the dorms in the bloody military base looked exactly alike. And it was too damn hot for him to think straight. Not to mention that he felt...ITCHY...well, all over.

It was all right. Round this corner, then he'd be safe in his dorm(well, he HOPED it was around this corner, that crack in the wall looked mightily familiar...) -

"...Fullmetal?"

Well, scratch that. That crack in the wall was probably from that time he'd tried to murder the Colonel for a jab about his height, seeing as how he must've taken a RIGHT instead of LEFT back there, and had ended up near his superior officer's quarters.

Which was NOT GOOD for a variety of reasons.

"Ah, ha ha ha, taisa!"Ed laughed nervously and jumped a bit backwards, avoiding Mustang's eyes. He hoped fervently that the prickling feeling across his face wasn't a blush."Y-You know, if you ever become Fuhrer, you'd better do something to make these dorms more INDIVIDUAL, you know...? I c-could hardly tell yours f-from mine..."And he laughed again, similar to a hyena.

Maybe it was working; the man was smirking and giving no indication that anything was out of place."I'll take that into consideration,"came the smooth reply; Ed noted that EVERYTHING about the damn man was smooth, from his speech to his gestured and even to that goddamn smirk he found himself so often tempted to bash in. Noting that wasn't the mistake, though - meeting the taisa's eyes was.

No one was more surprised than he when he decided to see for himself whether or not Mustang's lips were as smooth as the rest of him.

-------------------------------------------------------

All things considered, Roy Mustang WAS having a pretty good day. Though he'd been rudely awakened by the cursing and clanging noises made by a certain Fullmetal Alchemist, the kid had also made his favorite food for breakfast(chocolate chip pancakes, though for the sake of retaining his masculinity, he'd neglected to let the vertically-challenged blonde know that fact) AND had been pointedly civil to him all day. He'd also won eight rounds of poker in a row, and had splurged on taking that redhead from the grocery store out to dinner. Though, he'd grudgingly admit, she wasn't won in by his charms, and promptly closed the door on him after giving him a proper good night kiss. Which is why his night had ended much earlier than expected. And that dinner had been expensive.

Still, all things considered, Roy Mustang HAD been having a pretty good day. Until this.

Until, to be more specific, that shorty of a blonde Fullmetal had decided that it would be a good idea to kiss him in the middle of the hallway adjacent to his dorm, with all the gusto he could summon up in an instant, and - much more importantly - where anyone could SEE.

Having realized that, he hastily backed into a dark corner, unfortunately giving Fullmetal the advantage. And while he wasn't adverse to blondes, exactly - dear GODS, was that boy trying to SUFFOCATE him?! - he had to admit that when he'd contemplated taking a golden-haired beauty home for the night, he certainly wasn't thinking of Fullmetal.

"Oxygen is...usually needed to sustain this task,"he managed to murmur when Fullmetal had finally let him go. He even had his professional face on, even if he did sound a bit like he was panting. He'd been caught by SURPRISE, dammit, complete and utter SURPRISE! First, he'd humiliate the teen for catching him off guard like that, then maybe he'd even singe him a bit for kissing him - poorly, as well! - like that...

"T-Taisa..."That one word, harsh and broken, echoed down the empty hallway.

...Okay, so maybe not. Fullmetal wasn't actually CRYING, was he? Oh, Gods, he'd never know how to handle that... Alright, he'd go for polite professionalism."What happened?"A pause, as he registered the teen's rosy face and his slightly glazed eyes."Fullmetal, are you DRUNK?"

That would certainly explain a lot of things.

"N-Not exactly..."And Fullmetal squirmed under his gaze, as though irrevocably uncomfortable. AND his hands had started to roam, too.

Roy managed to catch one of his wrists before it travelled anywhere past the point of decency."You could at least wait to molest me until AFTER we've finished our conversation,"he commented dryly,"though I doubt anything you say will affect my planned outcome of this little fiasco."

"It's not like I WANT to molest you!"Ed sobbed hysterically, his actions belying his words."I just...neglected to mention that I have a weakness for men in uniform!!!"

Which only earned him a raised eyebrow in return. And - Gods blast it - the boy WAS crying, too, something Mustang had never been good at handling on his own. He decided to give the kid a minute to calm down, and then - reputation or no - he was going to call Hawkeye.

He even counted the sixty seconds in his head, took note that Fullmetal's sobs stopped somewhere around eighteen, and that he wiped his face around forty-one. Still, he counted the entire sixty seconds just to be sure, before he tried again. This time, he attempted a shot at humor.

"If you've got such a uniform fetish, Fullmetal,"he suggested lightly,"perhaps you should consider wearing your own - "And at the very end of his sentence(neither before nor after, the blonde had been polite enough to let him finish but not enough for him to inhale) Fullmetal kissed him again.

Damn, what a bother. Not bothering to be professional OR nice, Mustang grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back."If you're not drunk, a condition I could not ignore but forgive, then you're acting of your own free will, which is, as we both know, ridiculous."

The blonde looked up at him slowly, as though he was about to say something important. All that came out of his mouth, though, was: "I wonder what you were like as a teenager, taisa,"in a lazy yet punctuated drawl, then he laughed."Okay, okay, so I'm a BIT drunk..."

"A bit?"the Flame Alchemist muttered under his breath, and was about to step past the obstacle to his bedroom when said obstacle wrapped arms around his waist and bit his collarbone.

Which promptly got a reaction out of him, though one he would've been able to ignore if it - hadn't - been - his - collarbone. And it was probably only because that was as far as the teen could REACH, but still. He didn't like to make it known, but it was a weak spot of his, that collarbone. He stiffened abruptly, and tried not to let his face give anything away.

And he was a sharp one, Fullmetal, though HIS reaction wasn't exactly what Roy had expected.

He promptly took a step back and starting rubbing his arms furiously. No...SCRATCHING at them... Concern went immediately on autopilot. Something was definitely wrong.

"If you don't stop that, you'll hurt yourself,"he said to the disgruntled teen, taking him by the wrists. And sure enough, there were bruises on his left arm and light scratches on the automail."Just what the hell is going on here?"A terrible thought occurred to him."Just what DID. YOU. DO?"

Fullmetal looked up at him, pupils nearly drowning out the amber of his eyes."I...I..."

Locking his arms around the older man's neck, he choked out his story into Mustang's ear, even in his distressed state unable to stop himself from entangling his fingers in that dark, dark hair.

--------------------------------------------------

Edward stood perfectly still, keeping his messy face safely buried under the colonel's arm, refraining himself from rubbing up against the man, as much as he wanted to. He was just so damned ITCHY, and he couldn't even really understand why. The word 'hormones' flashed through his head briefly, but he dismissed it. He'd been far too busy searching for the Philosopher's Stone to worry about hormones...

"Oh, great,"he mumbled into an expensive suit jacket now stained with tears and snot."You mean to tell me I had this COMING to me, because I'm starting to get a teenager's HORMONES?"

Mustang's sudden laugh caused the man's body to arch against him, and start up that infernal itching again. And, arrogantly against his will, he leaned into that touch, even went so far as to slide his hand under the ruined suit jacket, before a hand stopped him."At least you're not coming at me from way out in left field,"the colonel announced urbanely, his arrogant smirk almost - almost, but not quite - covering up his relief."Though I don't imagine your...frustration...is helping the situation any. And while you'll have to resolve that sooner or later,"he admitted,"fortunately for you, I'm well informed on how to handle horny teenagers."

"I am NOT horny,"Ed griped in his usual fashion, though his constant wriggling did little to prove himself right. For revenge, he moved in to nip that bastard colonel's collarbone - finally, SOMETHING that riled the man a bit - but found himself with a mouthful of gloved finger instead. He spat it out hurriedly."Anticipated that one, did you?"Edward was suddenly ashamed of himself, though really only because he failed. And when he was ashamed, he tended to lash out at others."So? What're you gonna DO about this whole thing, taisa?"He managed to untuck Mustang's shirt and slide his hands all the way up to his ribs before the other man caught his hands again.

"I told you,"the colonel repeated with a smirk,"that having been a teenage youth myself, I learned rather quickly how to deal with these things."And with no more smooth talk or preempt, Edward found himself lifted off the ground in a fireman's carry.

He felt momentarily nauseous, and he didn't think it was from being flipped upside down. He pounded on the taisa's back."Hey! What're you doing? Put me - ohhh..."

So maybe part of it WAS from being flipped upside down. And hey, wasn't that...? Ed squinted his eyes and decided that he didn't really care about their destination after all. Or the trip there. He'd just sit back and enjoy the view.

-------------------------------------------

Most unfortunately, Edward's pleasant scenery was cut off abruptly as an overhead light was thrown into view and he found himself dumped into something cool and smooth. What?

He sat up and looked around, then cast a dubious look at Mustang."In the BATHTUB?"he squeaked, eyes going wide."Taisa, that's SICK!"

"Yes, yes, I'm sure,"the man murmured, clearly distracted by the temperature controls on the faucet. He seemed to find an appropriate climate, however, because he took the plug out of the bathtub and turned on the shower.

At the first spray of ice-cold water, Ed yelped and struggled to get out, but a brightly polished dress shoe to his chest quickly stomped that notion. He settled for shooting death glares at his superior officer, who settled himself on the sink with his fingers poised threateningly to snap should Edward make a move.

And so they sat for an undetermined amount of time; Ed shivering and miserable in his prison of freezing water, Mustang waiting patiently yet carefully; until the blonde no longer saw that coal-black hair as something he would love to bathe his face in, but rather a handy tool for when he planned to rip off the man's scalp and beat him with it. It was around this bloodthirsty thought that he felt safe enough to shut the water off.

Silence for a bit. Then - "Can I have a towel? Or are you just gonna let me freeze to death?"

The Flame Alchemist smirked, though it was softer and could have actually been a smile. He shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it to Edward."It's not a big deal; I've got others,"he said when it looked as though the blonde would protest."After all, the ladies seem to like it better when a man owns more than one piece of finery, you see..."He effectively dodged the bathtub plug that Ed threw at him, then stood up."Still hopelessly brutal, I see that cold water's done nothing for your temper... Still, I'm glad to see you've recovered."

And though it made Edward blush again, he had to ask his earlier question for a second time."What... What WERE you like as a - when you were my age, taisa?"

And the man looked SURPRISED, if nothing could had come out of this night, at least Ed would have that. He looked SURPRISED, and it took a moment for him to recover. Then he smirked and shrugged in a dramatic gesture."Not nearly as hopeless as you. I had GIRLFRIENDS, you see, for when things like this happened..."

He may have dodged the bathtub plug, but the bar of soap hit him square in the face.

AN: ::commits suicide:: Gomen nasai! OMGWTF happened to this chapter? What is it ABOUT? It's okay - you guys, as my loyal readers, have the right to shoot me for the birth of this monstrosity. It wasn't even uber-yaoi, either, I sorta crapped out at the end because I wanna hurry up and finish this. Goddamn the man. (Whoever the man is.) Anyway! Chapter 5! The last chapter! (Then the epilogue! ::is shot::) Thanks for sticking with me for this long!

Ch. 5:Of Jam and Justice!

"Being covered from the waist up in strawberry jam because of a wrestling match in the snow with a fifteen-year old boy suddenly seemed so absurd that Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist and one of the most powerful, professional people in the world, fell over onto his side and abruptly started laughing."

OMFG. Let's hope I can really stick with this. On a different note, I DIDN'T EVEN FINISH BY NEW YEARS! ::is shot twice more:: Ja...

-tiger-


	6. Of Jam and Justice

Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard - Proof That Revenge Is A Kind Of Wild Justice

Mission Five - Of Jam and Justice

AN-I would like to take the time to point out that it takes at least 45KB to write a decent porno story. LoL.

::gets pelted with rocks::

-tiger-

It snowed on Christmas Eve, and feeling thoroughly miserable about Al's disappearance to the Rockbell's for the week, Ed meandered out on the streets for a bit.

Tomorrow he would wake up, and probably head to the library all day for some studying - no, even the LIBRARY was closed for Christmas, it appeared even Schieska had plans for the week - so instead maybe he'd visit Hughes and his family. Though...

The teen stopped and sighed."Christmas is a FAMILY thing,"he muttered to himself, pointedly and telepathically sending the message to his traitorous brother in Rizenbul as much as to himself."Major Hughes'll probably be so absorbed with Alicia that he wouldn't want to see me, anyway..."

Still, though the photo albums were somewhat excessive, Ed found himself LIKING the eccentric major and his warm, comfortable family. Perhaps, even if it was a bit invasive, he would go see the three of them for the holiday.

(After all), he grumbled ashamedly to himself, (it's not like I can show my face at the office for a while, anyway.)

The truth was, the incident about the aphrodisiac-spiked wine had actually been kept well under wraps. Though Fury and Havoc weren't speaking to each other, and Breda seemed more scared of Black Hayate than usual, it looked like there wasn't any serious damage from Ed's "harmless" prank.

Well, except for that CRUSHING BLOW to his ego. (Well), he huffed, straightening himself up and staring into a cafe window to see their lunch specials, (I'M the one who set up that ridiculous charade to begin with, so I'M the one who'll have to deal with the fact that I very nearly mauled my commanding officer who is, without bias, nearly twice as old as I am.)

He cast his eyes heavenward."I suppose he could've been an even BIGGER ass about it,"he relented, bonking his forehead against the window glass glumly."After all, I'd be pretty snarky if he just came up to me and bit me like that..."

Ed rubbed his face against the cool window to fight off his impending blush. No, no, NO, dammit. If the Colonel could effectively wipe that ordeal from his memory(a polite if indifferent "good morning, Fullmetal, having a good holiday?" awaited him that morning and not a second glance after that), then so could he.

A sudden rumbling made him look up and check for earthquake damage, until he realized that it was just his stomach; he'd skipped breakfast as usual in favor of being miserable. He had a couple of cenz to spare, maybe he'd go in and have lunch.

A cheerful bell rang as he entered the store - he considered transmuting into fish guts or something out of spite - and low-key holiday music was playing in the background. The place wasn't deserted, but it wasn't particularly busy, either. There were a few couples in the booths, and some lonely stragglers sitting at the counter. Ed considered joining his kin(the solitary counter-dwellers), then hmphed and took a booth out of sheer petulance.

A waitress came up to greet him, frowning at his single form using up a booth clearly meant for at least four people."Sir, single guests are politely recommended to sit at the counter so as not to inhibit the other customers - "

"I've got a date,"Ed snapped rudely, and from out of nowhere. Then, somewhat more politely - "Can I get a coffee?"

The waitress - her name tag simply read 'Ashlee' - looked a bit miffed, but nodded and tossed two menus on the table."I'll be back soon with your coffee...sir."

Ed propped his feet up on the other side of the booth and folded his arms behind his head. A date, hunh? Ha. He didn't know what had possessed him to say that. He'd just felt like being incorrigible, so he'd been incorrigible. And that Ashlee waitress was probably going to kick him out when his 'date' didn't show.

Well, that wouldn't be HIS fault, would it? He'd just say he got stood up, put on that injured face of his, and maybe he'd even get free pity dessert -

Riiing. Then footsteps and a voice, an all-too FAMILIAR voice...

"Rumors about your appetite DO proceed you, Fullmetal, but two menus? That's a bit overkill..."Ed glared up into the taisa's face - "...don't you think?"

And it was indeed Roy Mustang, though he wasn't alone. A pretty but nondescript brunette was latched onto his arm, one of her hands companionably resting inside the man's coat pocket. Edward immediately felt his face going sour.

"Can I help you, SIR?"he intoned pointedly, finding that through his annoyance he was able to meet the other's man eyes again, which were practically TWINKLING with mirth."You'd better be careful about those sparkles in your eyes, taisa, we'll have to end up pairing you with Major Armstrong on missions from now on..."

"...'Sir'?"The brunette looked puzzled."I had no idea they enlisted CHILDREN in the military, Roy..."

Ed lurched forward, in his bad mood ready to throttle even the innocent, but a booted foot pushed him back."Well, even puppies have teeth,"Mustang said airly, waving a hand dismissively."For a fact, I think they use them more than the adult dogs."

And the man was BAITING him, and Edward wouldn't fall for it."Would you and your date care to join me for coffee, taisa?"he asked innocently, making eyes at the brunette. It worked, she smiled a kind smile that transformed her plain face into a memorable one, and slid across from him in the booth."Yes, let's,"she enthused, pulling off her gloves and propping her face on her fists."What's your name, sweetheart?"

"It's - hey!"Ed jumped a bit and glared at the colonel, who was seating himself in the booth next to him."Shouldn't you be sitting with your DATE?"he pointed out, getting as much distance between himself and the odious man as possible.

"It's rude, not to mention inappropriately forward, to seat yourself next to a lady,"the Flame Alchemist replied simply. Then his voice took a different tone."Beauty should be admired from a central perspective,"he added, staring directly at his date, who had begun to blush,"not from the side."

Ed coughed into his menu was rewarded with a dangerous look."Sorry, but have you seen these PRICES?"he offered lamely, holding the menu for use as a shield so much as demonstration."I probably shouldn't eat anything, it'll take a week's salary just to afford it,"he added piteously, making eyes at Roy's date.

He managed to keep the face, too, despite being kicked - hard - from underneath the table. The brunette lady eagerly took the bait."Oh, that's all right. Lunch will be our treat, won't it?"And she in turn made eyes at Roy, who smiled very painfully.

"Certainly..."

"Great!"Ed piped up, in a much better mood than when he entered."Thanks, miss...uh..."

"Mariabelle,"she offered,"though you can call me Belle. And drop the 'miss'."She smiled again."You're such a sweet boy, though I didn't catch your name..."

"Al,"Ed replied without thinking, then stopped; shot his eyes over to the colonel, who nodded almost invisibly.

"It's so very nice to meet you, Al,"Belle said with what seemed like true feeling, and she extended her hand, which Ed shook awkwardly, and caused the two adults at the table to snicker with some sort of inside joke. The blonde ignored them both and buried himself in his menu, shoving the other one at Belle and leaving the taisa to deal on his own.

Edward was pondering the 32 oz. sirloin when he became aware of someone's eyes on him. He looked at Belle, who was happily engrossed in the menu and chattering about this and that, then looked at his other side and found himself meeting a pair of pitch-dark eyes. No, not staring at him - studying the menu. Damn bastard was reading over his shoulder as surreptitiously as possible. The teen tossed the menu to him, shrugging."I've already decided, taisa."

Ashlee came back then for their orders. Ed promptly ordered half the menu, a feast fit for a king - sort of how he felt - and added the 32 oz. sirloin on the end for fun. He probably wouldn't eat half of it in the day, but he could always take it home for the rest of the week.

"Undoubtedly the most pricey piece on the menu,"Mustang muttered, looking vaguely irritated. Then he changed his angle."Why Alphonse?"

"Hey, you shouldn't offer for something you can't pay,"Ed started smugly, then frowned. Silence reigned supreme for nearly fifteen minutes, enough time for Ashlee to come back with Belle and the colonel's lunch, but only half of Edward's.

Ed munched on a bean sprout, ignoring the irony."No, scratch that. I dunno."He glanced over at Belle, still talking and poring over the food."Some people get jittery when they hear my name. So when I figured I oughta lie about it, Al's name was the first that came to mind."

There was an unrecognizable expression on Mustang's face; it was fleeting then gone. He replaced it effortlessly with a smirk."And speaking of Alphonse, I wonder if he's having a good holiday at Rizenbul?"

He went too far. Ignoring the fact that he was stuck between the wall and the colonel, Edward began fighting his way out of the booth."Move, taisa!"he shouted, elbowing the older man efficiently in the ribs and onto the floor. Ed leaped over his ungainly form and into the aisle, nearly tripping over a couple as they were leaving."It's tough when everything isn't staged like in a play, isn't it?"he hissed hoarsely, hands balled into fists."Everyone else might laugh and blush when it comes to your arrogant jokes and pervy pick-up lines, but when it comes to me, your sense of humor totally SUCKS!"

And - he scarcely believed it himself(man was SOMEBODY going to kill him after the fact but BOY did he not care!) - he brought his heel up and smashed it into Mustang's jaw. Then channeled the rest of his energy into running.

Running all the way back to the base, running all the way up to his dorm, then even running in place after he had slammed the door shut; not stopping until he fell down sometime later from exhaustion.

--------------------------------------

The whole office was staring at him, he knew it. He wanted to scream at all of them - "Haven't any of YOU ever come back from a lunch date with a broken jaw?!" but knew it wouldn't help. Instead, when he got to the inner office where his subordinates were all stationed patiently around their desks but staring at his blackened jaw, he took the time to comment.

"My date wasn't amused by my -"

(Jokes), he thought blandly, but didn't say it aloud." - pickup line,"he finished cheekily, pointing at his face for emphasis.

And the rest of the East Division knew better than to question Roy Mustang when he came home from a failed date - in their favor, Fury had actually started making COFFEE - so they let the matter drop without incident. And so did he, at least on the outside.

On the inside, he was LIVID. He wanted to set a certain little boy blonde on fire and perform a ritual dance around him as he writhed in the flames, to be precise. But...

As hard it was to believe, it actually said a lot about Fullmetal's level of distress if he went so far as to land a BLOW on his superior. Roy winced as he accidentally set his face down on his fist in his usual position of thought, then leaned on the other side of his face. It did give him a small amount of satisfaction to know that the blonde was probably racing up and down the walls with panic at the thought of a court martial, yet at the same time...

He shrugged and waved off the thought that perhaps he had been in the wrong; counted out his remaining cenz as Breda, Farman, and Havoc happily immersed themselves in the rest of Fullmetal's lunch, and ignored the looks Hawkeye was shooting his way. Soon Fury arrived with the freshly brewed coffee, set it down on his desk with a squeak, then hastily backed off into a near corner.

(The stab at Alphonse was unnecessary), he finally reflected with a sigh, downing half a mug of the still-scalding brew and ignoring his wounded mouth.(So I WAS out of line. Though he didn't have to kick me so hard),he thought viciously.

And while it was true that he had given Alphonse the permission to spend the week with the Rockbell's, it had been the younger Elric who had suggested the trip himself. Roy wasn't an idiot, he supposed that Alphonse liked that vivacious young girl who lived with her grandmother, but he also felt that leaving him on-base to deal with an infuriated Fullmetal Alchemist was quite unfair.

(Though perhaps), Roy was starting to understand, (that's what his intention was from the START...)

And while he didn't like to admit that perhaps he'd been outsmarted by a fourteen year old boy trapped in a suit of armor, there were some times when even he was forced to make an exception. So Alphonse was hoping he'd do something to alleviate his brother's bad mood, hmmm?

He stared down at a Christmas card he'd gotten from one of his female admirers around a week ago, and the message emblazoned on the front in swirly gold letters.

'Let's make this year's Christmas a holiday to remember!'

And he laughed inwardly and raised his coffee cup in a toast towards the dorms."Yes, Fullmetal,"he murmured aloud, "let's."

-------------------------------------------------

The problem was, Edward was starting to realize, that he was going about this in too elaborate of a manner. He didn't have to concoct some complicated scheme to humiliate the colonel - as a matter of fact, simple was probably BETTER. There were too many cogs involved with his earlier attempts, that was why they had all failed. In this case, his plan was bound to succeed - it's sheer SIMPLICITY alone made it immune to failure.

He wouldn't have even BOTHERED with a plan, either, had it not been for the fact that the bastard colonel had ordered him to his office that morning.

He had, of course, tried to refuse - tried to slam the door in Havoc's face, for that matter, til the taller blonde had rammed his foot between the wall and the threshold - but had been promptly told that if he ignored this direct order from his commanding officer, than he could just leave his watch outside the door with Havoc.

Which had set Ed into a rage and into the streets to find a store that was open on Christmas Day. After finally finding one on the outskirts of town, the blonde had quickly purchased his items, transmuted them into a suitable 'present' for the taisa, then started up for the office.

It was, understandably enough, a rigged present, set to explode the slimiest, stickiest sort of jam(it had been strawberry, actually) available onto whomever was unfortunate enough to open it. And it was so EASY. All Ed had to do tell the taisa that he'd forgiven him for yesterday's misunderstanding(though uttering those very words would make his blood boil, he was a long way off from forgiving that bastard for that) and that'd he'd gotten him a Christmas gift in apology. And that bastard colonel would probably SMIRK, too, and then would come that glorious moment when he'd peel off the wrapping, and open the box to see what was inside...

Still sniggering, Ed took a moment to collect himself outside the office door. It wouldn't do if he gave it all away now. As a matter of fact, all he had to do was channel his emotions from yesterday onto his face - furious, and just a slight touch of hurt for theatrics - and banged open the door with a long-suffering sigh.

"It's awfully cruel for you to be sending me out on a mission on Christmas, isn't it tai... - ?"But he never finished that statement; could only stare in utter bewilderment and wonder at the scene that unfolded before him.

The office was decorated, that wasn't what surprised him. What DID surprise him was that...they'd decorated the office for HIM.

There was a tree in the center of the room - a short one, though Edward in his daze couldn't even summon the emotion to feel angry about that - and it was covered in a variety of ornaments, including someone's State Alchemist watch(either Mustang's or Armstrong's) and Black Hayate's collar. There were presents under that tree, not a whole lot, an appropriate amount for a military-oriented Christmas, and Ed could note that some of them WERE for him, he wasn't just imagining it.

And in the center of the room stood the entire military unit, each of them holding onto part of a banner that spelled 'Merry Christmas, Edward' in bright, jovial letters.

Edward. Not 'Major Elric' nor 'Fullmetal'. _Edward_.

Hawkeye stepped over to him first and gave him a big-sisterly sort of kiss on the cheek."Got you,"she said, smiling and pointing upward at the mistletoe that hung in the doorway(though she pointed with the barrel of her gun, which convinced Ed that it was indeed Riza Hawkeye and not some imposter in disguise).

Havoc came over next and muttered something about 'some guys having all the luck' before slinging an arm around Edward's shoulders."You were gone all morning, boss, you should eat something."He grinned around his cigarette."Hawkeye made cake."

Edward could only stare dumbly around the room. Hadn't they NOTICED, noticed what he was trying to do all along? Didn't they CARE that he only wanted to humiliate them, and maybe even injure some of the more snarky ones? Was it, out of all the things he hated the most, out of pity?

Forgetting about his righteous anger, only feeling a sort of infantile panic, Ed searched for Mustang's eyes and found them, staring at him from across the room. And there was no sympathy there, a bit of guarded patience and something that could have been taken for a smile, but...no sympathy. He didn't feel SORRY for him, so what was the man up to? What was he playing at, what sort of...

Ed's eyes involuntarily fluttered to a stray Christmas card the colonel held in his hands.

'Let's make this year's Christmas a holiday to remember!'

And Edward realized suddenly how childish he had been. He'd blamed everyone for Al leaving him at Central during Christmas, thought the only thing he could do was add their misery to his company, instead of trying to put a brave face on the whole thing and enjoy himself. And even in spite of his childishness, everyone had...everyone had...

He felt his eyes water before he fell ungracefully onto his knees, and before he could even register that, he found himself sobbing brokenly and unable to stop.

"Edward-kun, are you all right?"Hawkeye asked worriedly, a hand going to his shoulder. Another hand shook his other side.

"Yo, boss, what's wrong?"Havoc.

"Are you all IDIOTS?"Edward ranted, choking on the words."Haven't you noticed that I've been plotting your doom this whole time?!"

"Doom?"came Fury's voice.

"You mean...that whole Christmas thing?"Farman.

"Wait, wait...boss, you think we're supposed to hate you for THAT?"asked Havoc in disbelief, and Ed chanced a look up at the others. No, it was unmistakable...the entire freaking military crew was laughing at him. He gave a melodramatic moan and buried his face in his hands again.

"Hey, you know..."said warrant officer Farman slowly,"I've been here for a while, right? In the military. And...Christmas is really BORING, isn't it?"

"It's the same old, same old,"agreed Breda."It even makes the booze taste a bit bad."

"Sometimes makes you wonder why we even bother,"admitted Fury, a trifle depressed.

"Well, I would say that the appearance of certain characters has livened the place up a bit,"interjected Havoc, words almost muffled by his tobacco stick,"but they always seem to make a habit outta duckin' out for the holidays. I think they were on some quest, you know, but who the hell wants to spend their Christmas vacation WORKING?"

Ed glared around at them all, he was getting where this was going. First Lieutenant Hawkeye's face appeared before him."Edward-kun,"she said, smiling most unlike herself,"I think I can say with total truth that I don't feel like my holiday has been ruined at all. And I'm sure the same could be said for the rest of my comrades."

Murmurs of assent around the room. Hawkeye went on."The efforts you put forth to make a mockery of this holiday were quite remarkable, but... Well, I can't say you've FAILED at anything, though you may not be satisfied with the results you've got."She stood up and smiled again."Through your efforts to ruin our Christmas, you've inadvertantly made it brighter."

Ed looked around at the many grinning faces in the room and seemed to take it into consideration. Then he hurriedly scrubbed his face with his sleeve and got to his feet."You morons better have gotten me something worthwhile,"he grumbled, starting towards the tree.

---------------------------------------------

Roy decided that in this one particular instant, he wouldn't mind not being the center of attention. Instead, he remained discreetly at the edge of the room, watching as Fullmetal stuffed his face full of cake and opened gift after gift, grumbling but unable to hide his pleasure.

When he thought about it, well and truly thought about it, he came to accept the fact that the boy was his polar opposite from when he was his age. When he was fifteen, he'd already been entangled in that dangerous game called military politics, and so he'd begun his battle to keep the things he felt from showing on his face. Not at all like that irascible youth sitting in the center of the room.

Which reminded him of something, something of moderate importance. He crossed over to his desk and pulled out a rectangular package wrapped in nondescript gold paper. The wrapping paper was a coincidence, dammit. He then stood behind the couch and shoved the gift under Fullmetal's nose.

"Merry Christmas,"he said, then amended his statement."No, happy early birthday."

The blonde looked shocked."F-For me?"Then he looked suspicious."What is it?"

Oh, and Roy couldn't resist a smirk."There's no point in wrapping it if I just tell you what it is,"he pointed out, then frowned for a moment."No, better yet, don't open it now. Later."

Which earned him inquisitive stares from not only Fullmetal, but from the rest of his personnel as well. He chose tactfully to ignore them, then turned for his desk. Then -

(A present? Did someone drop it?)The Flame Alchemist frowned.(Didn't Belle say she was going to leave me something wrapped like this, when we had to...cut our date short...yesterday?)

And he smirked; it would probably be something useless, but he couldn't refuse it if a beauty sent it.

-------------------------------------------------

Edward stared down at the shimmer of gold in his lap before hastily tucking it into his coat pocket. It was small and quite compact, and fit in there easily. Still, he was baffled at it's very existence. He'd figured that this whole party setup had sort of been a generalized present by the taisa, so to receive something else was mind-boggling.

He scanned the office to see where exactly Mustang had gone off to, when he caught the man about to undo the bow off of an elaborately wrapped Christmas present, he very nearly had a medical condition right there.

"WAIT!"he roared, and with blinding speed managed to leap across the man's desk, cradling the package in his hands as though it were a football. A DANGEROUS football, at that.

Sprawled out on the floor, Ed managed a weak "Saved..." before a dark shadow loomed over him.

"It's selfish to think that every gift in this room was meant for you, Fullmetal,"Mustang said pleasantly enough, but there was the threat of something dangerous behind his words."I think it would be in your best interests to give that back."

Ed leapt to his feet in a single bound and shook his head stubbornly."Trust me, you wouldn't want this one."

"And why is that?"

"Well, uh..."The teen shook it, though carefully."Hear that? It's probably fruitcake."

"Fullmetal..."

"Sorry, taisa, but you'll have to - "Ed was cut off as Mustang made a swipe at him, missing by inches. He quickly realized that it would probably be in his best interests to flee, flee until he could find someplace to dump the odious package.

"Back in a flash!"he shouted, pouring everything he into a mad dash out of the office. Though he knew he wasn't free - he could hear the colonel bellowing his name while everyone else sort of laughed in disbelief - he still had a head start.

Here was hoping he could shake his irate commanding officer before the man took it to mind to bake him to a crisp.

----------------------------------------------

"What the hell just happened?"Havoc asked to Hawkeye, lighting up a new cigarette, for he had lost his old one from the shock of what had just happened, which was...well, which was what he was asking Hawkeye.

She stared at him like he was some sort of idiot(which who knew, maybe he was?)."You didn't NOTICE?"she stated blandly, pointing towards the door."Mustang-taisa was about to open a gift from a secret admirer when Edward-kun promptly went into a panic, stole said gift, and ran out the door with it."

"Yeah, yeah, but what the hell HAPPENED?"

Hawkeye gave a smirk that would have made the colonel proud, and gestured towards the window where Edward and the taisa could be seen darting after each other in the snow."Don't you get it? Edward-kun is one of Colonel Mustang's secret admirers."

Havoc lost his other cigarette in the sudden stampede to get to the window.

---------------------------------------------

The Flame Alchemist was IRATE. When he caught Fullmetal, he was going to bake him to a crisp, there was no doubt about that.

Though he was grudgingly forced to admit that the teen ran rather fast for having such short legs. Perhaps he was used to having to compensate.

Fullmetal didn't seem to have any particular idea where he was going, but he did seem to be heading for the front exit. Perhaps he figured that Roy would be deterred by the snow, which was as far from the truth as anything. No, the snow was just a minor nuisance for something with a title like, oh say...the FLAME Alchemist.

Fullmetal burst out of the front doors with the look on his face of one who was fleeing for his life(though judging by Roy's current mood, he probably was). He slipped for a second on the snow-covered sidewalk, quickly recovered, then headed for the street.

Which was no good, really; Roy didn't feel like chasing a short person through a sea of holiday vacationers, so with a long-suffering sigh he raised his fingers and snapped.

Game won, match set. All he could really see was a blonde braid flying through a whirlwind of flame and melting snow. It was probably appropriate punishment.

He walked down the now-clear sidewalk to where Fullmetal was struggling to pull his head out of a remaining snowdrift. He finally managed it, sending the white powder scattered everywhere. A sneeze expelled even more crystallized dust as he blinked up at his superior with white-fringed lashes. The boy's golden gaze quickly flicked around to the trees and snow that blocked escape from the back and the sides, over to Roy's fingers, which were poised and ready to snap. He could either accept defeat gracefully or go down fighting, and knowing Fullmetal...

------------------------------------------------

Edward brought his hands together with a clap and quickly dropped them onto the ground, transmuting the snowdrift he in which he had fallen into a sturdy wall, then darted out on the now-clear left side. He could hear the taisa's fingers snap behind him, felt a flash of heat pass his right ankle, but he was in the clear.

Rolling to his feet, he passed over to the other side of the military courtyard, planning to make an exit through the wall and seal it behind him, promptly preventing any further pursuit.

(Sure), he thought as he ran, (the taisa's gonna be super pissed at me, but it's better than the alternative, isn't it? I can't just let him have this ticking time bomb, but I can't admit that I'M the one who rigged it, either - not after everything he's done for me.)

And that thought made him stop right in his tracks, skidding dangerously enough as it was on the slippery snow. There was a second of concious thought - (Maybe I should MOVE) - before Mustang crashed into him and sent them both sprawling on the ground.

"Owowow..."Ed said weakly, sitting up with a hand to his throbbing head. He roughly kicked the other man off his legs and got to his feet, searching worriedly for the package that had caused this whole disturbance to begin with. There! There it was, the red bow poking out of the snow. Ed lunged for it and grabbed, connecting with the present about the same time another hand did.

"Let go!"he spat at the colonel, who looked as irritated as he was."You're being a bastard!"

And the man had the gall to look AFFRONTED."Me?"he repeated, shaking his head in disbelief."I was simply sitting at my desk opening a gift from one of my many female admirers, when you - "And he smirked then."You wouldn't happen to be JEALOUS, would you? Really, you couldn't have expected someone to notice you over me, I'm much more handsome by comparison..."

"Shut UP!"Ed roared, giving the present an almighty wrench.

Mustang yanked it back."Hit the nail on the head, have I? I always was an excellent judge of character."

Tug."You wish, Colonel Bastard! Someone needs to step on that swelled head of yours."

Tug."And I'm TALLER, too, not to mention much more suave and refined..."

That was it. Edward went nuts."I AM NOT SO SHORT THAT I COULD FIT IN THIS GIFT BOX!!!"he bellowed at the top of his lungs, grabbing the box back and getting to his feet in a huff, preparing to stalk away.

He got about two steps before he was dragged back down by a pair of arms around his legs. He rolled over his back to find himself effectively pinned by the colonel, though he still had possession of the present. He glared up at the older man, panting and waiting to see what he would do.

"You're...livelier than usual today,"Mustang commented sardonically, though his eyes were sparking and his smirk seemed somehow ominous."I'm sure it's hard to admit to yourself that I'm better than you in every way, but sometimes there's just no helping - "

"Listen, you arrogant bastard,"Edward interrupted, struggling to sit up and glare into those dark eyes."Stop thinking that - "Here his voice rose several decibals - "you're the world's greatest gift to women."Several more decibals."That present was from ME, you worthless IDIOT!!!"

And Edward pulled with all his might. Sadly - though it was more instinctively, the man was too stunned to really be aware of what he was doing - Mustang pulled just as hard from the opposite side.

With a foreboding splatting sound, Edward's world turned red.

----------------------------------------------

It had been a while since Roy had actually been rendered unable to THINK after an incident, though the circumstances for this were quite extenuous, he'd admit. As a matter of fact, it was probably a full half-minute before he'd even realized what had happened to him.

The ruined package on the snow next to him gave him an idea, the red gunk covering his torso only solidified that belief. It really had been too much to expect that Fullmetal had been planning on giving him a NORMAL gift. So a rigged one it was.

Now, what on earth WAS this gunk, and how easily could it be removed?

To ask this question, he stared down at Fullmetal, who had recovered from his surprise somewhat quickly, and was now looking at him with one eye squinched shut and the other barely open, meaning he was expecting serious repercussions for his latest blunder. He considered, for a brief instant, snapping his fingers and ending the boy's idiocy once and for all, but the thought was there and gone as though it never existed.

Instead - "What IS this? And please tell me it's not the blood of a something-or-other."

He was rewarded with both of the boy's eyes fluttering open."...Strawberry jam."And then - "I told you not to open it."

And for a spell, all they could do was stare at each other.

Then the realization of being covered from the waist up in strawberry jam because of a wrestling match in the snow with a fifteen-year old boy suddenly seemed so absurd that Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist and one of the most powerful, professional people in the world, fell over onto his side and abruptly started laughing.

Though, his little bit of tattered ego was glad to observe, Fullmetal wasn't long in following suit.

AN-Oh, blah. Here it is. The end. ::cheers, hands out New Year's party favors and crap:: I'm glad to see that not all of my readers have deserted me. For those who are curious to see how the story wraps up, there will come the epilogue shortly after this. I have no idea when, seeing as how I'll be busy for most of tomorrow, and Saturday, and for most of Sunday. Sunday evening, at earliest. Please don't kill me, I've an aversion to being shot. ::is lit on fire:: That'll have to do, I suppose.

Next! The epilogue! But I'm not telling you the title. Nor am I giving you a preview. I am leaving you in suspense. ::gets shot:: Okay, I deserved that. Ja.

-tiger-


	7. The Art of Happy Endings

Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard - Proof That Revenge Is A Kind Of Wild Justice

Epilogue - The Art of Happy Endings

AN-I amend my earlier statement to a lowered 25KB. This story's last chapter was about 48KB, which is way too long for it's worth as utter crap. ::shrugs, listens to Do As Infinity's "Under the Moon":: I would like to add to this pointless ramble that the music I'm listening to at the time of writing a fanfic greatly influences the mood of the whole thing, so if it seems like something is gut-busting hilarious then fluffy for no reason at all, well...that's the reason. ::gets shot:: And here I was recovering from those previous gunshot wounds...  
-tiger-

Ed shifted uncomfortably on the hard wooden floor and 'accidentally' kicked one of Mustang's house plants into the fire. It was uncharacteristic of the man to have house plants, anyway - he wasn't the domestic type, for certain - surely he wouldn't care if one of them had clumsily been reduced to ash?

He was irritated mostly because the colonel had ignored his frequent comments about how he could fix their clothes with alchemy and had insisted upon dragging Edward all the way back to his house to be washed up.

So there Ed was, sitting on the floor in his undershorts with the strict instructions "not to touch anything, Fullmetal, you're a disgusting mess" when something rectangular and shiny hit him in the face. He thought stupidly at first that it was a solid gold bar, felt like an idiot for thinking that, then looked down to see the Christmas - no, early birthday - present he'd gotten from the taisa.

Mustang was leaning on the wall smirking, and HE was only wearing his undershorts to. Ed hastily averted his eyes and drew his knees up to his chest. Idiot, idiot.

"Can I open this now?"he asked, desperate to think about something else.

"By all means,"was the calm reply, DAMN the man for being perfectly at ease in such a scarce amount of clothing. Edward snorted.

"What's the big deal, anyway?"he asked."I mean, would it have mattered if I opened this at the office?"

"Of course. It's something of a terribly personal nature, you see..."

"It better not be ladies' underwear or something..."Ed warned ahead of time, ripping off the paper. Inside was a small, battered, nondescript book encased in brown leather."What, a library book?"He opened to the first page and read, at first boredly, then with growing interest.

_Dad's making me start a journal. What an ass. He insists that it 'builds character', which means he's clearly never written a page in his life. He spends all his days attending those BORING military functions; I swear, I won't go to one of those things even if it KILLS me..._

Ed looked up sharply. The smirk was gone from the taisa's face, and he was regarding the blonde warily."No good?"he asked blandly, almost not quite hesitating. Ed shook his head furiously.

"N-No, it's not that..."He sought to put it into words."I don't get it. What's your PURPOSE, what's your reason for showing this to me? How do you want me to react; in what direction am I supposed to go running THIS time?"

The older man shook his head in a manner that clearly described Edward as 'hopeless', then took a seat next to him."No direction, no hidden agenda. Don't you remember? You asked me what I was like when I was your age."

And Edward DID remember, though the situation during which that question had been asked made him blush."Oh, so that's it?"he asked haughtily, tossing his head."It should figure that you'd get me something useless like your journal, it just goes to show that you really DO think too much of yourself after..."

Mustang cast a level look his way, and Ed felt himself quailing under that dark gaze. He looked down at his gift; it was far more than just paper, binding and leather - it was a chance to see the man's soul, that intangible something that had to be hiding just underneath the mask. He swallowed."Thanks."

"Well, it seems you've grown up a bit after all,"the colonel mused, ruffling his fingers through Edward's hair, then grimacing when they came away sticky with jam."Only a bit, though,"he pointed out, looking down at his fingers with mock dismay. Ed noticed that his own fingers with covered with a similar sort of goo, for he'd neglected to bother with his gloves that morning, telling himself that they might get stained with some errant jam spray. How right he was.

"WHEN am I gonna be able to take a shower?"he asked for the third time that day.

"When the laundry's done,"Mustang answered coolly, also for the third time that day."Waiting won't kill you."

(No), Ed supposed, (it wouldn't.) In the meantime, he'd amuse himself by poring over every inch of the taisa's journal. When he flipped open to a random page, he felt Mustang shift behind and rest his chin on his shoulder, eyes already skimming over the words. Ed briefly considered elbowing the man in the face and telling him to move - had already jerked his elbow upward, for a fact - then paused. Grinned. Perhaps he'd practice tolerance today, just to prove that he too could act mature.

He was rewarded for his restraint with a lazy smile, which he ignored with some effort, and went back to reading.

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_Beverly came 'round today; I told her not to, that I had schoolwork to do. I really don't think she listens at all to what I have to say, but rather, does whatever she wants to without considering how I'll feel. It's annoying, to an extent, but she does let me kiss her, which most other girls won't even consider right about now._

Ed shook his head, clearly in a stupor."That's - Jeez, why'd you have to...? Did you REALLY think I'd want to read about stuff like THAT?"he asked finally, turning his head slowly, so as to avoid a collison with the colonel's forehead.

"No,"the older man replied honestly, not bothering to look his way."I don't even remember all this."

And it didn't seem like he had, he'd spent the past half hour engrossed with his own writing, murmuring occasional phrases like "I can't believe I used to DO that" and "this really WAS a long time ago". He'd seemed annoyed, amused, and pleased at himself all at once, a veritable spread of emotions running across his face at once, and in that instant Edward decided that he liked that better than the journal itself. It was true that the words written there were as elegant and composed as the man was now, but the feeling behind them was a lot simpler, much more vivid, and in Ed's opinion, much easier to understand.

_I've discovered today that people are more complicated than alchemical arrays, after Beverly told me whole-heartedly in the courtyard today that she loves me. I've been mimicking Dad as best as I can, I've worked on smoothing over a variety of situations with evasion or finesse, yet even with all my practice, I still didn't know how to handle this._

_I suppose that brushing off her confession as a joke was foolish, though I think it a trifle unnecessary for her to have slapped me so hard. My face still stings, dammit, and this happened around noon yesterday._

_So from now on, I've decided, I'll treat interactions with people as a sort of game. If I can successfully manuever the situation in my favor, then I've won. If not, then I'll just need to practice harder. Today's situation with Beverly is no different. I won't let another declaration of love like this go unprepared for. I'll be ready, I'll always be ready._

Ed looked over at Mustang, trying to keep his expression serious but unable to stop the twitching of his mouth."Taisa,"he said solemnly, proud that his voice didn't tremble,"I love you."

Which earned him a smirk in return, and an equally as 'serious' reply."Though it's against my personal feelings, I really think we ought to keep our relationship on a professional level, Fullmetal,"he replied without a hitch."Dating your coworkers can lead to extremely stressful situations in the workplace,"he added for Edward's benefit, shaking a bit in silent laughter.

"Shame,"Ed replied with mock wistfulness, and went back to his book. The man really WAS prepared; it was a bit eerie.

_Dad - no, correction, FATHER - insists that I join the army when I become of age. He said that it was a good idea for me, that a good decision like that would be lasting. I promptly told he and his decision-making skills where they could go, and it earned me the loss of supper for tonight. Though I suspect that's Mom at the door right now, sneaking something in..._

_Mom has came and left, leaving me the leftovers of tonight's supper and some words of wisdom._

_"You'll thank your father for being so hard on you,"she said through the door while I was busy indulging myself on her heavenly bread."If you're in the military alongside him, he'll be able to protect you from the interference of others. If you get in trouble, you can always go running to him for protection. That's what he's thinking right now, even if it seems he's only trying to force you to do things his way."_

_She really is too soft on him, she always takes his side. Though the conversation didn't stop there._

_"I wish you wouldn't be so hopelessly stubborn, Roy,"she continued, and I rolled my eyes at her though she couldn't see."You're smart, but once you think you're right, that's it. Nothing else matters to you. There's a bigger world outside of you and your desires."_

_What a bunch of utter nonsense. I'm reconsidering my refusal of Father's proposition, though. The military might hold some use for me; at the very least, I'll be freed of this boredom that seems to seep in whenever I'm at home. I've become quite effective at manipulating people, I think the military and Father will be no exception._

_I'll use the old man 'til he's dead, and only I will be the wiser._

"So did you?"Ed asked then."Use your father, I mean?"He wasn't so sure he wanted to know the answer.

"I couldn't,"the colonel replied simply."He was much better at playing that game than I was."

"Hmmm,"said Ed noncommittally, and was about to flip the book closed when an entry at the far back caught his eye. It was written in much newer ink than the previous entries, as though it had been written recently, and as though someone had tried to conceal it.

"D-Damn!"cursed Mustang, and reached to snatch the page out, but Ed was quicker. He rolled behind the couch and popped his head over it, staring at the taisa, who seemed to be in an irrevocable fluster. And - Ed squinted his eyes against the glow of the fire - was he BLUSHING? No, it couldn't be. It was unfathomable. Utterly damn unfathomable.

"It's rude to try and reclaim a gift you gave to something, ne, taisa?"he asked innocently, even giving the older man 'the eyes', though it didn't seem to work. Even if he ended up cooked from the inside out for this, it would be worth it just because of that panicked look on the man's face. He, Edward Elric, had finally made Colonel Mustang lose his cool.

Ed decided to revel in this fact a moment more before looking at his unexpected gains. It was dated about a month ago, while he and Al had still been away in Lior.

_It took me fourteen years to understand what my mother meant back then, about how my father only forced me to bend to his will out of a desire to keep me safe. I was away when he fell during battle, of course, and I can still remember how openly I complained when he assigned me the task of reporting back to Central instead of allowing me to fight. I can't forget - no matter how much I thought I disliked my father - that pained expression on his face the eve of his death, when I told him just how much I hated him and the exact degrees of torture that I hoped awaited him in hell._

_And he bore it all, without his usual harsh words and promises of imminent violence, but rather with that fleeting expression of agony then a sad smile. Then he died that same evening, which was awful since I'd been so rude and it really looked bad on my reputation as a 'nice guy'._

_But also... Well, I suppose it won't kill me to admit that I was wrong, and that he really did have my best interests at heart. It's a father's duty to protect his children, a commanding officer's duty to protect his men, a friend's duty to protect another friend... No, it's any human being's duty to protect someone they care about. Sometimes it requires cunning and secrecy, sometimes it requires a distance - pushing someone away whom you'd ordinarily wouldn't want to leave your side - sometimes it even requires the barest ghost of a lie or an omission of the truth._

_Sometimes even I just have to smirk and bear it when someone I wish to defend calls me a bastard, or informs me whole-heartedly that there are sadists out there who have more humanity than I. Sometimes I just have to brush it off when my subordinates call me lazy and bully me into doing paperwork down the barrel of a gun. It's hard to bear, though, when the people I clearly care about enough to protect without reservation accuse me of thinking only about myself._

_My mother told me that if I ever got into trouble in the military, I could always go running to my father for protection. That even if it seemed like he was only hiding things from me, he was doing it for my own good. And so I stubbornly pushed my way through the army without his help, determined to do everything on my own out of spite. Even accused him of trying to steal all of the military glory for himself that night he died, instead of realizing the exact opposite, that he was only trying to spare my life._

_No matter how rude or hostile I was towards him, he still protected me. I'm starting to understand how his mind worked, now. I'm starting to understand - finally - what Mom meant when she came to my door that day._

_I suppose I wouldn't have realized it at all if it hadn't been for a certain vertically-challenged blonde major with an even shorter temper._

_There will probably come a time when he'll tell me - in that frank, boisterous tone of his - just how much he hates me, and exactly what sort of bastard I am. And I'll have to smile and play along - toss out a jab about his height, perhaps, or assign him to an unequivocally boring task - though I imagine I'll be feeling that same sort of pain my father felt._

_I'll surpass him, though - I won't let it show on my face._

Ed stopped, blinked for a moment, as though adjusting to sudden sunlight after being caged in the dark. He didn't know what to think. There was no way in hell that bastard colonel was trying to protect he and Al - it was unfathomable. Utterly unfathomable. Better to tell him that with proper training, you could transmute a park bench into an elephant. He'd be more likely to believe it.

Feeling slightly as though he was going to be physically ill, Edward chanced a glance over at Mustang. He was lounging in front of the fire, purposefully facing the opposite direction, feigning sleep. The blonde took a seat next to him and frowned thoughtfully to himself for a few minutes before finally venturing to break the silence with a hesitant "...Taisa?".

A dark eye creaked open at him slowly."Yes...?"

"...Who's so 'vertically challenged' that you've gotta guard them from the cold virus?"

Both eyes open, and now a slow smile."Is that all?"

"And I'll never tell you that a special seat waits for you in hell. I don't believe in hell. And a firebug like you would probably enjoy it too much for my tastes, anyway."

Mustang got to his feet."How..._magnanimous _of you, Fullmetal,"he said sarcastically, then smirked like his old self again."Since you're feeling so generous, then you certainly won't mind if I use the shower first, no?"

He started for the hall, but Ed managed to get to his knees and grab the older man's arm."W-Wait, taisa!"

"Hmmm?"And the man wasn't SMIRKING anymore, he just looked patiently curious. Ed cast around in his head for words.

"This - This - "He waved the journal around."E-Equivalent trade. S-Something for..."The teen swallowed hard."I-I didn't get you anything for Christmas..."

"Oh? Was that it? I said it wasn't a Christmas gift, rather, an early birthday present..."The colonel smiled then, a real smile."Still, if you're going to be so insistent about the whole thing..."He rumaged around in a desk for a moment, then produced a bright red Christmas bow, which he jovially clapped on top of Edward's head."There, that should do it."

"H-Hunh?"The flabbergasted teen could only gape at him.

"That's my Christmas present,"Mustang said slowly, as though he were speaking to the mentally challenged."Didn't anyone ever tell you? That my dream gift always HAS been a nearly nude blonde beauty kneeling in front of me covered in jam."

Ed backed away hastily into a nearby chair."Damn!"he cursed, knowing that he was blushing but still hoping against hope he wasn't."Go take a shower, you pervy taisa. A COLD one."

The man smirked and waved flippantly over his shoulder as he left, but left he did. Edward supposed that asking anything else of him would have been too much. After all, he'd seen a bit too much of the man's soul already. He was still trying to cope with the fact that the colonel actually HAD a soul to begin with.

Still...

"Y-You know, uh..."

Mustang turned around, looking amused but faintly exasperated."What is it this time, Fullmetal?"

And at the man's familiar tone, Ed found himself slipping back into their old routine. There was a certain comfort in it."Nothing much, just..."

"Merry Christmas, Colonel Bastard."

"And the same to you, Fullmetal,"Mustang replied, then found he couldn't resist."Though next year, you'll want to try dipping yourself in chocolate before you offer yourself to me; I rather dislike strawberries..."

Ed howled and kicked another potted plant into the fire, which was a shame.

Mustang had had big plans for that mistletoe.

There still were a couple days left of Christmas, after all.

-Owari-(OMFG FINALLY)

AN-::sighs:: At last, THE END!(If anyone pesters me for another chapter, I will kill them. Seriously.) Now, I shall address some recent reviews! If I miss you, gomen! I'm doing the ones for chapter 6 only.  
**To Samurai Angel**:I am sad that the epilogue was not as interesting as you anticipated.::kills self::  
**To Night-Owl123**:Yes, I have updated. Obviously. ::laugh::  
**To Amy Yuy**:OMFG, GET SEX OUT OF YOUR HEAD! I am never telling you about anything I am writing again. You sex fiend. Go marry Eleanor. ::growl:: And no, being covered in jam doesn't necessarily lead to sex. Just to prove that point, I'm gonna go downstairs and bury myself in Smuckers. And not have sex with anything.  
**To ArrowSphere**:Thanks for letting me know that I have skill when it comes to writing about grown men getting into scuffles with little boys. ::giggle:: And I tried to pay Funimation to have something like that happen in FMA, but they called security as soon as I stepped in the door. They must've read my old (and now deleted due to their worth as utter crap) Yu-Gi-Oh! fics, LoL.  
**To Heika**:I love you. Thank you for your awesome praise. Though to tell you the truth, a lot of this story ended up differently then when I originally wrote the plot layout for it. Who'da thunk it? You don't mind my slightly sappy ending? That's great to know. I was sort of worried about how readers were going to react to it. Hooray!  
**To Pickles**:Yes, I also like feel-good stories. As long as the characters are in character. Which they probably aren't in this. ::sigh:: But still! Domo for your praise!  
**To Crimson-Vision**:Uh, red bubbles goodyness is a GOOD thing, right? ::shakes you:: Are you all right? Don't die on me, please. I need all the dedicated readers I can get. And no, there was no need to point a gun at my head in order to get me to update. I'm not ROY, for God's sake. ::gets toasted:: Oww...  
**To Karin**: ::dodges the uber-love beams:: Sorry, I don't like getting zapped with anything...no matter how pure your intentions were. Though I must confess, 'cute' wasn't the angle I was going for with this fic. I guess gut-busting hilarious was too much to ask for, hunh? Ha ha.  
**To Sakura Star**:I know I spelled your name wrong, but I can't put that certain character in your penname in fanfiction because MWord is gay. Or is gay. Or their combined bisexuality makes them a gay unit. ::shrugs:: Wow, a lot of things to address with your review. First, thanks for the hug and the love. I love all of you guys, too. It's also nice to know that you like the humor of my ficcy, because I wasn't sure if it was funny or just plain obnoxious. These things concern me from time to time. Be careful not to laugh and sneeze at the same time, or you'll explode. (Or is that fart and sneeze? I dunno.) Um, as for where I get my inspiration? Ah...I dunno. Too much soda. Bad sleeping habits. I don't really recommend it. Still, if you're lacking in inspiration for a fic sometime, drop me a line and I'll see what I can do. ::smile:: It's okay if you're not a shounen-ai fan. I don't even count this story as real shounen-ai, so ha! Though I do recommend reading warnings. They can save you from potential brain death. Domo for putting me on your favs list! In return I give you...THE EPILOGUE! ::grin:: As previously asked for.  
**To hihirraag**:OMFG, I updated! There! Ha ha, your name looks sorta like Hiliary Haag, the voice actress for Rosette from Chrono Crusade. ::giggles stupidly at this random fact::  
**To Kiharu-sama**:You know, I really meant to put Al in here somewhere. He was gonna show up at the end or something...but I never got around to it. Instead, we'll entertain ourselves by imagining everyone in Roy's military branch horribly exaggerating Ed's escapades while Al was away... Yes, that's much better than me actually WRITING it, since I would fsck it up royally. And yes, Ed's luck is shitty. Which ties in with my GIANT FANFICTION PROJECT I'm working on right now.

Which I will talk about now. If anyone cares, I'll be coming out with a giant fanfiction project in a few weeks. (First I must finish HICB, my FF8 story, lest my fans from that fandom murder me with bedsheets and bubble-blowing guns.) It's a really dark story, not at all like this. But if that doesn't scare you, then feel free to check it out! I like it when fans read a whole bunch of my works. Makes me smile. ::smiles:: Still, at last this is done! ::cries with relief:: I hope you enjoyed this l'il fic-o. I sort of enjoyed writing 've done a better job. ::is shot for the last time:: Ja.  
-tiger-


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